Wedding Rings

Bridesmaids complaining

Question:

I have 6 bridesmaids as well, and I haven’t had any problems yet, but then again I haven’t picked out the dresses yet. The best you can really do is to go by the majority vote and make sure that you are happy as well. If one person isn’t happy, hopefully they will be understanding enough to see that this is your day. She must be a good friend, afterall, she is one of your bridesmaids. Good luck.                          Kimberly and David                              2-14-98

Response:

<< I was wondering to myself how people can put money in front of a friendship. I guess I could understand if the dress was $300.00 or more (I would pay that to be in a friends wedding and I have a whole house payment to myself!) but I was hurt because that was the MOST important thing to them. Why do people have to be like this..I don’t know. >> I had to turn down being in a wedding because I was going to school and paying rent was a struggle enough–I simply could not afford a $150-200 dress. I recently found out she was very disappointed (she was very gracious to me at the time). Sorry, it wasn’t anything against her, but I just could not do it. It seems that some brides, like the poster quoted above, forget that being in a wedding is a big responsibility and not necessarily just fun and frolic.

Response:

>>Has anyone one else had a problem with complaining bridesmaids?  I have six maids.  One   >hates the dress I have chosen and another is complaining about the cost of it because her >daughter is in the wedding as well.  (The cost is $201.25 for a

handmade gown.  It is a >plush red velvet on the top and italian satin on the bottom.)  All the

other bridemaids have >either told me they love it or that it is my day and I should do

whatever I want.  I negotiated >for weeks with the price of the gowns to get it at the best price I

could and I don’t think the >cost is unreasonable.  Any suggestions?  

I found out that people will find cause for complaint no matter how easy you make it for them. My seven bridesmaids were instructed to find a simple white dress of any style, with only 3 stipulations: it had to be WHITE, it can’t have any lace, pearls, or any type of beading, and it can’t be made of a shiny fabric (i.e., taffeta). You wouldn’t believe the complaints I heard! "I can’t find one without pearls!" "Are you sure we can’t have lace on it?" "Can’t we get an ivory one instead?" "There are NO white dresses to be found ANYWHERE!" After much whining and complaining, four of them decided to have their dresses made, and the rest miraculously found theirs. I whining and complaining about the dresses is a Great Bridesmaid Tradition, and it’s just part of being a bridesmaid. Best wishes, Karmela

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Boy-oh-boy this sounds familiar!! I had two people crap out on me after >they decided anything over $50.00 (I guess they wanted a Kmart Blue Light >Special) for a dress was too much. I was wondering to myself how people >can put money in front of a friendship.   > Ahem.  Sometimes, even just $50 is a stretch for some of us.  I’m not sure > I understand how not wanting to make a financial sacrifice is putting > money ahead of friendship.  If my bridesmaids state that a $200 gown (such > as the one you are requiring of your bridesmaids) is too much for them, I > would find myself hardpressed to consider them as saying money came before > their friendship with me.  Given that I myself have bills as well as > grad/law school to pay for (and we won’t even start to talk about buying a > house), it really wouldn’t enter my mind that they were putting a price on > my friendship.  After all, they wouldn’t consider me to be putting money > ahead of friendship by having sore feelings that they wouldn’t add a $200 > dress to their wardrobe. >I guess I could understand if the >dress was $300.00 or more > Well, it’s good to know what your minimum standards are. >(I would pay that to be in a friends wedding >and I have a whole house payment to myself!) > It’s great that you have this debt yet still have money to pay to be in a > friend’s wedding.  But we aren’t all as financially successful/adept as > you.  It doesn’t mean we place money ahead of friendship, but just as I am > not going into debt over my wedding, I can’t ask my friends to go into > debt over it. > I find this whole idea perplexing and I guess we just come from different > backgrounds and aren’t going to see each other’s points.  I’m > flabberghasted at the idea that friends who refuse to spend a lot of money > to be in a wedding are putting money ahead of friendship, but a bride who > requires friends to spend a lot of money to be in her wedding is not doing > it herself.  Floored, really. > — > Ami > ***** > The bigger the Net gets, the smaller the fish it catches … >      – R. E. Childs

– Ami, I agree with you.  We are financially very tight and my bridesmaids are too.  To me, $120 is the limit for a dress.  I can’t ask any of my best friends to spend a lot of money for a dress which they might/might not wear just for me.  I just can’t do that to them.  So instead of getting them gifts, I got them the dresses.  They all say they love the dress and love the idea.  Rather than ending up with a dress and a set of earrings (gift) they might/might not like after spending $200 or more, they end up with a free dress which they can wear or not wear after the wedding and I end up with bridesmaids in my favorite dress and that are happy being in that dress. Junko

Response:

Joyce, I know it is hard to deal with these people because they your friends and family and you don’t want to get on their bad sides.  In any case I feel like $200.00 is very expensive.  I would definately have to say "no" I cannot be a attendant at your wedding.  Maybe if they are complaining so much you should allow them the opportunity to back out of the wedding and do something else.  Sometimes it is not really the dress they are complaining about but the cost, or other things in their lives that the dress add to.  Consider their funds, and the situation they are in. I am having 3 bm’s and a moh and the bm dresses are only costing them $45.00 for the labor, I purchased the fabric and the moh dress was $134.00.  The shoes are running $32.00 so they are looking at a cost of about $77.00 each.  The dress they can wear again and again with the right acessories it can be dressy formal, or semi-formal.  I really didn’t feel right to ask someone to spend a fortune on a dress for MY wedding.  Although the cost of dresses you have picked out is around the cost I have seen most BM dresses running, it is unfortunate to say the least because the bride has to go through the problem of not only asking/picking and choosing amoung her friends she also has to pick the dress and keep in mind various budgets and also her dream wedding.  Whew, what a pain. Good luck!

: Has anyone one else had a problem with complaining bridesmaids?  I have six maids.  One   : hates the dress I have chosen and another is complaining about the cost of it because her : daughter is in the wedding as well.  (The cost is $201.25 for a handmade gown.  It is a : plush red velvet on the top and italian satin on the bottom.)  All the other bridemaids have : either told me they love it or that it is my day and I should do whatever I want.  I negotiated : for weeks with the price of the gowns to get it at the best price I could and I don’t think the : cost is unreasonable.  Any suggestions?   : :

Response:

writes: >>Has anyone one else had a problem with complaining bridesmaids?  I have >six maids.  One   >>hates the dress I have chosen and another is complaining about the cost >of it because her >>daughter is in the wedding as well.  (The cost is $201.25 for a >handmade gown.  It is a >>plush red velvet on the top and italian satin on the bottom.)  All the >other bridemaids have >>either told me they love it or that it is my day and I should do >whatever I want.  I negotiated >>for weeks with the price of the gowns to get it at the best price I >could and I don’t think the >>cost is unreasonable.  Any suggestions?  

$200 plus IS a lot of money for a dress, especially for the woman who has to buy two of them.  (When was the last time you spent over $200 for a special-occasion dress – that YOU got to choose?)  However, the point is, you’re feeling put upon because you think you did a lot of work to make everyone happy, getting the best price.  The mistake you’ve probably made is, you did that without consulting everyone. Yes, traditionally you get to pick the dress.  And your attendants should wear it with a minimum of complaining.  However, it’s a good idea to consult your attendants about the style – show pictures, ask about particular features that might be a problem (anyone hate going sleeveless?  hate short/long/full/slim skirts?  care about identical versus merely coordinated dresses?  love purple?  etc.) Before I decided what the reasonable limit on clothing costs for our wedding party was, I asked everyone what THEY thought was reasonable.  I "floated" $100-150 as a reasonable estimate and got reactions.  (One said, "I’d rather spend $100 on the dress and $50 on travelling up for the wedding."  Another asked if that included the shoes.  When I said I wasn’t going to make them wear identical shoes and she could hopefully wear her own shoes, she said, "THANK you!"  And one said she’d happily spend more, or make her dress, or basically do whatever I wanted.) Anyway, since you’ve chosen what you’ve chosen and you’re not going to change it at this point (!), damage control is a good idea.  The woman complaining about the cost – is this truly a burden for her, or is she just complaining for the sake of complaining?  If the latter, explain that you really made an effort to get the best price and it really hurts you that she doesn’t recognize that, and could she please try not to complain so much so that you can all enjoy the wedding more?  If the former, can you offer to subsidize it for her?  Buy her daughter’s dress? As for the woman who simply hates the dress, well, why does she hate it? Does she just think she doesn’t look good in it?  Is there anything you can do to modify or accessorize it that will make her more comfortable? If she doesn’t really want to do anything about it but just enjoys complaining, again, ask her to complain to others all she wants but not to you, because it’s hurtful and anyway you don’t agree, obviously – you think the dress is beautiful and you think she looks great in it. It’s unlikely that either BM will drop out of the wedding rather than buy and wear the dress.  However, if you offer them that option, it might help them realize how seriously you are taking their complaints.  It IS possible that they are simply kvetching in a recreational way and don’t mean to hurt you.  An honest conversation about WHY they are complaining and WHY it bugs you so much is definitely in order. Holly (& Ken) 8/25/96

Response:

Dump her. She is obviously self-centered and not much of a friend. You don’t need the stress.  It sounds like you are being more than resonable in your planning, but you are bending over backwards for someone who does not appreciate it.  If you still want her involved somehow in the wedding, give her other duties, but it sounds like you would be much better off just asking her to step down. Good Luck. tara and mark 5/18/96 – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Has anyone one else had a problem with complaining bridesmaids?  I have six maids.  One >hates the dress I have chosen and another is complaining about the cost of it because her >daughter is in the wedding as well.  (The cost is $201.25 for a handmade gown.  It is a >plush red velvet on the top and italian satin on the bottom.)  All the other bridemaids have >either told me they love it or that it is my day and I should do whatever I want.  I negotiated >for weeks with the price of the gowns to get it at the best price I could and I don’t think the >cost is unreasonable.  Any suggestions? > I am having a similar problem with one of my bridesmaids as well. Ever > since I asked her to be in the wedding party she has complained about > everything I have suggested! She doesn’t want to wear the colour that > I have picked (deep green), not because she doesn’t like it, or > because she doesn’t look good in dark green (she has many outfits of > the same color and she loves it!), but because she doesn’t want to > look like all the other members of the wedding party (including the > Groom and Groomsmen who will be wearing deep green plaid vests). She > doesn’t want to wear a dress, but instead has suggested that she wear > one of the green outfits that she has already (it is a semi-formal > wedding). She doesn’t want to have her shoes matching her outfit > because it is expensive, she doesn’t want her hair done because it is > too expensive (and I don’t really know what to do with her hair > because it is MUCH longer than the other Bridesmaids’)…to the extent > that I have agreed to pay for the preliminary salon appointment for > her to have it done, and she will pay for the day of the wedding! She > doesn’t want to wear makeup, and she is already complaining about how > much this will cost her (the dress is hopefully going to be less than > $100 for each BM). >         I don’t really know what to do with her at this point! The wedding is > still more than a year away, and there is alot that I have to do > before the wedding happens. This is giving me so much stress! I am > trying my best to handle her and all the other wedding stuff…she is > the only one who is complaining (and the one in the best financial > situation as well!)…the other BMs couldn’t care less what they have > to wear or how much it will cost them (their words) as long as they > are part of the wedding party and have the honour of standing up with > me. I have given this BM many chances to withdraw from the wedding > party, and she doesn’t want to do that…but I also don’t want her to > withdraw after the dresses are made and everything else (then I have > to pay for her dress!! since I am hoping to have them made!)…. > Sorry for the long windedness of this post! I don’t mean to sound like > a selfish Bride…I feel that I am doing everything in my power to > keep the costs for my BM’s down to a reasonable amount…I am trying > to find dresses that they will like, which are not too expensive, in > the same color and styles….! I just don’t know what else I can do > for this woman! > Pam

Response:

writes: >Hi Holly, I don’t think you meant to quote me below: (I’m re-posting this >without putting quote marks on it). I didn’t write it.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.  (I know this happens all the time; I try to avoid it, but I doubt anyone here’s got a perfect record.) Holly

Response:

Hi Holly, I don’t think you meant to quote me below: (I’m re-posting this without putting quote marks on it). I didn’t write it. writes: >>Has anyone one else had a problem with complaining bridesmaids?  I have >six maids.  One   >>hates the dress I have chosen and another is complaining about the cost >of it because her >>daughter is in the wedding as well.  (The cost is $201.25 for a >handmade gown.  It is a >>plush red velvet on the top and italian satin on the bottom.)  All the >other bridemaids have >>either told me they love it or that it is my day and I should do >whatever I want.  I negotiated >>for weeks with the price of the gowns to get it at the best price I >could and I don’t think the >>cost is unreasonable.  Any suggestions?  

$200 plus IS a lot of money for a dress, especially for the woman who has to buy two of them.  (When was the last time you spent over $200 for a special-occasion dress – that YOU got to choose?)  However, the point is, you’re feeling put upon because you think you did a lot of work to make everyone happy, getting the best price.  The mistake you’ve probably made is, you did that without consulting everyone. Yes, traditionally you get to pick the dress.  And your attendants should wear it with a minimum of complaining.  However, it’s a good idea to consult your attendants about the style – show pictures, ask about particular features that might be a problem (anyone hate going sleeveless?  hate short/long/full/slim skirts?  care about identical versus merely coordinated dresses?  love purple?  etc.) Before I decided what the reasonable limit on clothing costs for our wedding party was, I asked everyone what THEY thought was reasonable.  I "floated" $100-150 as a reasonable estimate and got reactions.  (One said, "I’d rather spend $100 on the dress and $50 on travelling up for the wedding."  Another asked if that included the shoes.  When I said I wasn’t going to make them wear identical shoes and she could hopefully wear her own shoes, she said, "THANK you!"  And one said she’d happily spend more, or make her dress, or basically do whatever I wanted.) Anyway, since you’ve chosen what you’ve chosen and you’re not going to change it at this point (!), damage control is a good idea.  The woman complaining about the cost – is this truly a burden for her, or is she just complaining for the sake of complaining?  If the latter, explain that you really made an effort to get the best price and it really hurts you that she doesn’t recognize that, and could she please try not to complain so much so that you can all enjoy the wedding more?  If the former, can you offer to subsidize it for her?  Buy her daughter’s dress? As for the woman who simply hates the dress, well, why does she hate it? Does she just think she doesn’t look good in it?  Is there anything you can do to modify or accessorize it that will make her more comfortable? If she doesn’t really want to do anything about it but just enjoys complaining, again, ask her to complain to others all she wants but not to you, because it’s hurtful and anyway you don’t agree, obviously – you think the dress is beautiful and you think she looks great in it. It’s unlikely that either BM will drop out of the wedding rather than buy and wear the dress.  However, if you offer them that option, it might help them realize how seriously you are taking their complaints.  It IS possible that they are simply kvetching in a recreational way and don’t mean to hurt you.  An honest conversation about WHY they are complaining and WHY it bugs you so much is definitely in order. Holly (& Ken) 8/25/96

Response:

writes: >I am having a similar problem with one of my bridesmaids as well. Ever >since I asked her to be in the wedding party she has complained about >everything I have suggested! She doesn’t want to wear the colour that >I have picked (deep green), not because she doesn’t like it, or >because she doesn’t look good in dark green (she has many outfits of >the same color and she loves it!), but because she doesn’t want to >look like all the other members of the wedding party (including the >Groom and Groomsmen who will be wearing deep green plaid vests). She >doesn’t want to wear a dress, but instead has suggested that she wear >one of the green outfits that she has already (it is a semi-formal >wedding).

So, let her wear what she wants the colors will still not clash.  She doesn’t want to have her shoes matching her outfit >because it is expensive, she doesn’t want her hair done because it is >too expensive (and I don’t really know what to do with her hair >because it is MUCH longer than the other Bridesmaids’)…to the extent >that I have agreed to pay for the preliminary salon appointment for >her to have it done, and she will pay for the day of the wedding!

Let her wear it long!  She >doesn’t want to wear makeup, and she is already complaining about how >much this will cost her (the dress is hopefully going to be less than >$100 for each BM).

Let her go without makeup if she is more comfortable. >    I don’t really know what to do with her at this point! … >Sorry for the long windedness of this post! I don’t mean to sound like >a selfish Bride…I feel that I am doing everything in my power to >keep the costs for my BM’s down to a reasonable amount…I am trying >to find dresses that they will like, which are not too expensive, in >the same color and styles….! I just don’t know what else I can do >for this woman!

There was a discussion recently about the inappropriateness of using children as "props" for the wedding. It sounds to me as if you are trying to use your bridesmaids as "props" for your wedding. Do you want your bridesmaids to be there to make a good photograph, or to give you moral support.  If the former primarily, you should consider hiring professional models. ( for those that need it.) Janet Gunn – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text –

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Has anyone one else had a problem with complaining bridesmaids?  I have six maids.  One   >hates the dress I have chosen and another is complaining about the cost of it because her >daughter is in the wedding as well.  (The cost is $201.25 for a handmade gown.  It is a >that I have agreed to pay for the preliminary salon appointment for >her to have it done, and she will pay for the day of the wedding! She >doesn’t want to wear makeup, and she is already complaining about how >much this will cost her (the dress is hopefully going to be less than >$100 for each BM). >    I don’t really know what to do with her at this point! The wedding is >still more than a year away, and there is alot that I have to do >before the wedding happens. ! I just don’t know what else I can do >for this woman! >Pam > good stuff clipped to save space <<<<

Pam, I think you need to figure out what this problem really is?  Is this woman jealous that you are getting married?  It sounds as if this may be the problem.  If it important to you that this person be a part of your wedding party, try talking to her about what might be bothering her.   Just maybe she will tell you and you can work it out. If she simply states that this is too much, and that is a hassle, you may want to consider saying "I’m really sorry I am creating so much difficulty for you.  Please let me correct the situation by allowing you to bow out of the wedding party".  Or other graceful words to that effect.  I am sure one of two things will happen, this will allow her to bow out if she wishes or she will get the message behave. Sorry that this is causing so much stress, but hang in there, you are marrying the man of your dreams and that is what counts. Joan (half of doyles)

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> >Boy-oh-boy this sounds familiar!! I had two people crap out on me after > >they decided anything over $50.00 (I guess they wanted a Kmart Blue Light > >Special) for a dress was too much. I was wondering to myself how people > >can put money in front of a friendship.   > Ahem.  Sometimes, even just $50 is a stretch for some of us.  I’m not sure > I understand how not wanting to make a financial sacrifice is putting > money ahead of friendship.  If my bridesmaids state that a $200 gown (such > as the one you are requiring of your bridesmaids) is too much for them, I > would find myself hardpressed to consider them as saying money came before > their friendship with me.  Given that I myself have bills as well as > grad/law school to pay for (and we won’t even start to talk about buying a > house), it really wouldn’t enter my mind that they were putting a price on > my friendship.  After all, they wouldn’t consider me to be putting money > ahead of friendship by having sore feelings that they wouldn’t add a $200 > dress to their wardrobe. > >I guess I could understand if the > >dress was $300.00 or more > Well, it’s good to know what your minimum standards are. > >(I would pay that to be in a friends wedding > >and I have a whole house payment to myself!) > It’s great that you have this debt yet still have money to pay to be in a > friend’s wedding.  But we aren’t all as financially successful/adept as > you.  It doesn’t mean we place money ahead of friendship, but just as I am > not going into debt over my wedding, I can’t ask my friends to go into > debt over it. > I find this whole idea perplexing and I guess we just come from different > backgrounds and aren’t going to see each other’s points.  I’m > flabberghasted at the idea that friends who refuse to spend a lot of money > to be in a wedding are putting money ahead of friendship, but a bride who > requires friends to spend a lot of money to be in her wedding is not doing > it herself.  Floored, really. > — > Ami > ***** > The bigger the Net gets, the smaller the fish it catches … >      – R. E. Childs >– >Ami, I agree with you.  We are financially very tight and my bridesmaids >are too.  To me, $120 is the limit for a dress.  I can’t ask any of my best >friends to spend a lot of money for a dress which they might/might not wear >just for me.  I just can’t do that to them.  So instead of getting them >gifts, I got them the dresses.  They all say they love the dress and love >the idea.  Rather than ending up with a dress and a set of earrings (gift) >they might/might not like after spending $200 or more, they end up with a >free dress which they can wear or not wear after the wedding and I end up >with bridesmaids in my favorite dress and that are happy being in that >dress. >Junko

I agree with Junko’s approach.  In our case, it wasn’t the MOH dress that was an issue, as she could afford it (and it only cost about $100).  But our Best Man and Usher are both financially strapped – so we didn’t even ask them to pay for their tux rentals, we just did it and included it in our cost for the wedding.  It was more important to us to have these people in the wedding than to worry about why they weren’t paying for it. Lori

Response:

>Has anyone one else had a problem with complaining bridesmaids?  I have six maids.  One   >hates the dress I have chosen and another is complaining about the cost of it because her >daughter is in the wedding as well.  (The cost is $201.25 for a handmade gown.  It is a >plush red velvet on the top and italian satin on the bottom.)  All the other bridemaids have >either told me they love it or that it is my day and I should do whatever I want.  I negotiated >for weeks with the price of the gowns to get it at the best price I could and I don’t think the >cost is unreasonable.  Any suggestions?

Personally, I think $201.25 is an awful lot to spend on a dress that will be worn maybe one or two times (if ever) after the wedding.  I think it is important to remember that you pick your attendants because you love and respect them and want them to have a special part in your wedding.  Remember, a wedding is the day that you declare your committment to your partner — not the day that you show off your fashion sense.   I think it is important that you keep your friend’s finances in mind when you ask them to be in your wedding.  I have only asked one person to be my attendant, my best friend, and I think that is enough.  I told her that we could rent the dress if she wanted or we could buy it.  I want her to be happy participating in the occasion, not being irritated with me because I chose something out of her means.  It’s an awful burden to put on one’s friends. Both times I have been a bridesmaid, the dress has cost at least $160 and both times it was a financial burden upon me. Neither bride, I think, really intended the dress to be so expensive, but both got caught up in the idea of the "perfect, fantasy" wedding. You might ask your friend if she could participate in your wedding in another way — she could get a gorgeous dress that doesn’t cost nearly as much and be a candlelighter or pass out programs?

Response:

>Has anyone one else had a problem with complaining bridesmaids?  I have six maids.  One   >hates the dress I have chosen and another is complaining about the cost of it because her >daughter is in the wedding as well.  (The cost is $201.25 for a handmade gown.  It is a >plush red velvet on the top and italian satin on the bottom.)  All the other bridemaids have >either told me they love it or that it is my day and I should do whatever I want.  I negotiated >for weeks with the price of the gowns to get it at the best price I could and I don’t think the >cost is unreasonable.  Any suggestions?  

I am having a similar problem with one of my bridesmaids as well. Ever since I asked her to be in the wedding party she has complained about everything I have suggested! She doesn’t want to wear the colour that I have picked (deep green), not because she doesn’t like it, or because she doesn’t look good in dark green (she has many outfits of the same color and she loves it!), but because she doesn’t want to look like all the other members of the wedding party (including the Groom and Groomsmen who will be wearing deep green plaid vests). She doesn’t want to wear a dress, but instead has suggested that she wear one of the green outfits that she has already (it is a semi-formal wedding). She doesn’t want to have her shoes matching her outfit because it is expensive, she doesn’t want her hair done because it is too expensive (and I don’t really know what to do with her hair because it is MUCH longer than the other Bridesmaids’)…to the extent that I have agreed to pay for the preliminary salon appointment for her to have it done, and she will pay for the day of the wedding! She doesn’t want to wear makeup, and she is already complaining about how much this will cost her (the dress is hopefully going to be less than $100 for each BM).         I don’t really know what to do with her at this point! The wedding is still more than a year away, and there is alot that I have to do before the wedding happens. This is giving me so much stress! I am trying my best to handle her and all the other wedding stuff…she is the only one who is complaining (and the one in the best financial situation as well!)…the other BMs couldn’t care less what they have to wear or how much it will cost them (their words) as long as they are part of the wedding party and have the honour of standing up with me. I have given this BM many chances to withdraw from the wedding party, and she doesn’t want to do that…but I also don’t want her to withdraw after the dresses are made and everything else (then I have to pay for her dress!! since I am hoping to have them made!)…. Sorry for the long windedness of this post! I don’t mean to sound like a selfish Bride…I feel that I am doing everything in my power to keep the costs for my BM’s down to a reasonable amount…I am trying to find dresses that they will like, which are not too expensive, in the same color and styles….! I just don’t know what else I can do for this woman! Pam

Response:

>Has anyone one else had a problem with complaining bridesmaids?  I have six maids.  One   >hates the dress I have chosen and another is complaining about the cost of it because her >daughter is in the wedding as well.  (The cost is $201.25 for a handmade gown.  It is a >plush red velvet on the top and italian satin on the bottom.)  All the other bridemaids have >either told me they love it or that it is my day and I should do whatever I want.  I negotiated >for weeks with the price of the gowns to get it at the best price I could and I don’t think the >cost is unreasonable.  Any suggestions?  

I have to tell one on my bridesmaids.  They hated the navy silk Waters and Waters dresses, but decided that in Texas in the summer, nothing was going to feel good.  I promised to turn up the air conditioning in the church to max., and had tried to get everyone to agree on a dress prior.  Gave up, went with what I thought was the best choice for my party of 3, ranging in sizes from 18 to 2. I had wedding bands hats with short veils made to match, they looked like the ones in the brochures.  I loved them, they hated them. My MOH wore bright purple hose under her dress in protest.  My second maid of honor was so nervous she forgot to take off her leggings before the service.  (Red on under her gown.)  The other one was just complaining because I made her wear a necklace and earrings that matched the dress, which was part of the gift I gave to them. Bottom line, chill out, don’t worry about it.  If they are having a heard time with the cost, ask them what would be reasonable for a formal wedding in their estimation.  Then, think about splitting the cost of the difference. Just my $.02.

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: Has anyone one else had a problem with complaining bridesmaids?  I have six maids.  One hates the dress I have chosen and another is complaining about the cost of it because her daughter is in the wedding as well.  (The cost is $201.25 for a handmade gown.  It is a plush red velvet on the top and italian satin on the bottom.)  All the other bridemaids have either told me they love it or that it is my day and I should do whatever I want.  I negotiated for weeks with the price of the gowns to get it at the best price I could and I don’t think the cost is unreasonable.  Any suggestions?   Tell the complaining BM’s that you would rather have them at your wedding as honored guests/honorary bridesmaids and happy than at your wedding as pissed off bridesmaids.  That puts the ball in their court, and makes it clear that you’re thinking about their feelings.  Unfortunately, whether you think the cost is reasonable isn’t as important as whether they do–did you discuss budget beforehand with your bridesmaids?  $200 isn’t ridiculous at all for a dress like you describe, but if a bridesmaid agrees to be in a wedding thinking that her dress will be closer to $100–or if money’s so tight that $201.25 is perceptibly less manageable than $200–or, heck, if she just always shops sales and has never paid more than $50 for a dress, $200 may feel like it’s just too much. Karen — Karen L. Greenberg

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Joyce, This is coming from the Groom’s perspective from seeing what my future Wife is doing with the same situation. Look at it from the view of the bridesmaid: 1.  They are more than likely to never wear the dress again. 2.  They are going to look like the other 5 bridesmaids of which the style you’ve chosen may not fit all of them      perfectly. 3.  It’s expensive for them to fork out $200 for one day. I know that all sounds negative, well, that’s because it is.  What my fiance did was pick a few styles that >SHE< liked, asked them all to decide on one style that they all could >LIVE< with and told them they could either buy or >RENT<.  Yes, rent. Her bridesmaid’s dresses are $160.00 (to buy)but they are a style that can be worn after then wedding as a summer dress very easily.  She looked at dresses that she could rent as well.  So, some of them are renting them and for the rest of the bridesmaids that wanted to buy them – she got the name and make of the dress from the place where they are renting them – went to the bridal boutique where she is getting her dress and they can order them for her bridesmaids whom want to buy them…  It’s only $75.00 to rent them.  That’s alot easier for someone to swallow than $160… It’s why groomsman RENT tuxedos… Its your wedding but be flexible – put yourself in their shoes… – Orryan and Trisha     June 1, 1996 >Has anyone one else had a problem with complaining bridesmaids?  I have six maids.  One   >hates the dress I have chosen and another is complaining about the cost of it because her >daughter is in the wedding as well.  (The cost is $201.25 for a handmade gown.  It is a >plush red velvet on the top and italian satin on the bottom.)  All the

other bridemaids have >either told me they love it or that it is my day and I should do whatever

I want.  I negotiated >for weeks with the price of the gowns to get it at the best price I could

and I don’t think the – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->cost is unreasonable.  Any suggestions?

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>>Has anyone one else had a problem with complaining bridesmaids?  I have six maids.  One   >hates the dress I have chosen and another is complaining about the cost of it because her >daughter is in the wedding as well.  (The cost is $201.25 for a

handmade gown.  It is a >plush red velvet on the top and italian satin on the bottom.)  All the

other bridemaids have >either told me they love it or that it is my day and I should do

whatever I want.  I negotiated >for weeks with the price of the gowns to get it at the best price I

could and I don’t think the >cost is unreasonable.  Any suggestions?  

Boy-oh-boy this sounds familiar!! I had two people crap out on me after they decided anything over $50.00 (I guess they wanted a Kmart Blue Light Special) for a dress was too much. I was wondering to myself how people can put money in front of a friendship. I guess I could understand if the dress was $300.00 or more (I would pay that to be in a friends wedding and I have a whole house payment to myself!) but I was hurt because that was the MOST important thing to them. Why do people have to be like this.. I don’t know. Well I figure I have five in the party now and everyone is happy with their dresses, etc. THANK GOD!!!!!! Good luck to you! Kirsten (and Brad) 9/7/96

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>Boy-oh-boy this sounds familiar!! I had two people crap out on me after >they decided anything over $50.00 (I guess they wanted a Kmart Blue Light >Special) for a dress was too much. I was wondering to myself how people

>can put money in front of a friendship.  

Ahem.  Sometimes, even just $50 is a stretch for some of us.  I’m not sure I understand how not wanting to make a financial sacrifice is putting money ahead of friendship.  If my bridesmaids state that a $200 gown (such as the one you are requiring of your bridesmaids) is too much for them, I would find myself hardpressed to consider them as saying money came before their friendship with me.  Given that I myself have bills as well as grad/law school to pay for (and we won’t even start to talk about buying a house), it really wouldn’t enter my mind that they were putting a price on my friendship.  After all, they wouldn’t consider me to be putting money ahead of friendship by having sore feelings that they wouldn’t add a $200 dress to their wardrobe. >I guess I could understand if the >dress was $300.00 or more

Well, it’s good to know what your minimum standards are. >(I would pay that to be in a friends wedding >and I have a whole house payment to myself!)

It’s great that you have this debt yet still have money to pay to be in a friend’s wedding.  But we aren’t all as financially successful/adept as you.  It doesn’t mean we place money ahead of friendship, but just as I am not going into debt over my wedding, I can’t ask my friends to go into debt over it. I find this whole idea perplexing and I guess we just come from different backgrounds and aren’t going to see each other’s points.  I’m flabberghasted at the idea that friends who refuse to spend a lot of money to be in a wedding are putting money ahead of friendship, but a bride who requires friends to spend a lot of money to be in her wedding is not doing it herself.  Floored, really. — Ami ***** The bigger the Net gets, the smaller the fish it catches …      – R. E. Childs

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Has anyone one else had a problem with complaining bridesmaids?  I have six maids.  One   hates the dress I have chosen and another is complaining about the cost of it because her daughter is in the wedding as well.  (The cost is $201.25 for a handmade gown.  It is a plush red velvet on the top and italian satin on the bottom.)  All the other bridemaids have either told me they love it or that it is my day and I should do whatever I want.  I negotiated for weeks with the price of the gowns to get it at the best price I could and I don’t think the cost is unreasonable.  Any suggestions?  

Response:

>Has anyone one else had a problem with complaining bridesmaids?  I have six maids.  One   >hates the dress I have chosen and another is complaining about the cost of it because her >daughter is in the wedding as well.  (The cost is $201.25 for a handmade gown.  It is a >plush red velvet on the top and italian satin on the bottom.)  All the other bridemaids have >either told me they love it or that it is my day and I should do whatever I want.  I negotiated >for weeks with the price of the gowns to get it at the best price I could and I don’t think the >cost is unreasonable.  Any suggestions?  

Well, it all depends on the income of the people involved.   For example, $200 is a bit steep for me (I’m a poor grad student) and I would’ve declined being in the wedding…offered to do other things,  help shop, make favors, etc but couldn’t afford the dress. It is hard for some people to pay that if they don’t have it.  If her daughter’s also in the wedding, is she paying for both dresses? – in which case $400 is indeed alot to put out for many people.   If on the other hand, she’s got loads of $$$ and drops $200 on dresses regularly, then it’s not unreasonable to expect her to pay that. I know You want the people close to you to be a part of your big day,  but it’s not also that financially possible.  Last wedding I was in I paid ~$150 dress + shoes, and flew there another $250 , though I probably would have flown there regardless. For me, even that was hard to do, but worth it.   It is indeed your day, but make sure your bridesmaids are all happy with costs dresses etc (I know some willnever be, and those are better left out). She may really want to be ap part of your big day, but just can’t pay that.  Have aheart-to heart with her . As for the one that just doesn’t like the dress, find out why and see if there’s a compromise? Cherise

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