Wedding Rings

Need help putting together memorial for wedding

Question:

> hi glo, IMHO, that sounds really nice!  i agree with the idea that if > you want to do something in loving memory of someone, that it’s > important to do it without calling attention to it!

Private, introspective memorials are probably best in this situation.  My sister, mom, other family members and I will all wear at least one rose (like in my sister’s largely wildflower bouquet) or a single rose pinned to the lapel, because our grandparents raised roses in their yard,and that’s what I think of when I think of roses.  We’ll be the ones who know, and it would be good for all of us to think of it.

Response:

Just a small opinion (but one felt very strongly, and I don’t want to get into it again ) Alot of people are saying the the most meaningful remebrances are the private ones … and I very strongly disagree.  For *some* people, the most meaningful remembrances are kept quiet. For others (myself and many other people I know included), public remembrances are cherished and embraced.  They *never* sadden the occasions, but rather make people *happy* at the thought of the beloved deceased.  To say that these remembrances are "less meaningful" is, really, a slap in the face. To the original poster, I’d suggest talking it over with your fiance and his family to decide what they would want to do and how they would feel comfortable remembering people who obviously meant a great deal to them and then go from there Mary to Phil 6/23/2001

Response:

> Just a small opinion (but one felt very strongly, and I don’t want to get into > it again ) > Alot of people are saying the the most meaningful remebrances are the private > ones … and I very strongly disagree. >  For *some* people, the most meaningful remembrances are kept quiet. > For others (myself and many other people I know included), public remembrances > are cherished and embraced.  They *never* sadden the occasions, but rather make > people *happy* at the thought of the beloved deceased.  To say that these > remembrances are "less meaningful" is, really, a slap in the face.

I wouldn’t say they’re "less meaningful" but unless you know for sure that all of your guests are of the same perspective, you’re running the very serious and very probable risk of bringing the celebration of two lives made one down to a very bummery, possibly maudlin display.  For instance, with my suggestions involving a special mass or memorial service the day before or after, if you know that some family members will want to share this remembrance, then informally let people know ahead of time, but do not make it a part of what is a very public large-group celebration. If one is sure that all the guests feel exactly as MLS does and feels "happy" at the thought of the deceased — which very well may be the case if, for example, there are built-in memorial prayers in a religious matrimonial ceremony — this is a special cultural/religious case, as I had mentioned in my original post. However, most memorials to the recently deseased among the majority of western cultures will cast a pall on the guests and sadden — even momentarily — people who knew the dead, and if some of the guests didn’t know him or her, they’ll still probably feel awkward at this display. If you’re sure that a public memorial is condoned and suggested by your religion or culture, you may want to make sure that any of the guests who are not familiar with this practice are given a heads up, preferably ahead of time, as this is a pretty big deviation from the "standard" WASP/American/euro/english speaking wedding celebration.

Response:

We’re doing something similar.  FH’s daughter passed away about a year and a half ago, and it would seem wrong to not have her involved in the ceremony.  So when we walk up to the altar (we are walking together), he will light a memorial candle.  We aren’t going to say anything about it, it will just be there.  We, and people who are close to us will know ahead of time so they won’t be surprised with it that day. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> This is very controversial in this newsgroup. > My son is getting married 6/17.  When he walks into the church he will > light a candle that has been inscribed "In loving Memory of John > Comstock" and go stand at his place.  He will do this immediately after > Annette’s mother and I walk in together  and light candles on either > side of the alter  - these two candles will be used for their unity > candle. > No one other than the immediate family – me, Mike, my daughter, Annette > and the minister and a relative I told about this will know. > It is a private thing for us – but a way of remembering John for Mike – > which was important to him. > In the wedding program it is listed Parents of the Groom – Gloria > Comstock and the late John Comstock.  That’s it.  Not sure how this > would appear when both parents are deceased. > Hope this helps. > Glo > I would like to honor my groom’s parents at the ceremony.  They both past away > last year from different cancers.  I would like to do this in a positive way > and also not bring the feeling of the wedding down (I know that sounds self > absorbed, but hopefully you understand what I mean). > Do you have any ideas?

Before you buy.

Response:

Many years ago, when I was a junior bridesmaid for my cousin, I became aware that the bride and groom were absent for a bried period of time (if memory serves me correctly, this was between the wedding and the reception….or maybe after the reception-it was a long time ago).  I asked an aunt where they had gone and she replied that they had slipped away briefly to visit the bride’s mother’s grave and leave the bride’s boquet there.  I can still remember being soooo impressed that they would honor her mother this way–i.e. privately.  They told noone except this aunt that the bride was closest to.  I remember thinking "how tasteful/dignified"… The bride’s mother had passed away several months before the wedding which had been in the planning stages for quite some time.  She was a dearly loved member of our family.  To have a "public memorial" at the wedding would have been just too much for the family. As Mary stated earlier, this is a VERY controversial issue on this ng and I certainly don’t want to see it start up again either.  As Mary said, after all the opinions are in, you and your fiance must decide together what is best for the two of you and your guests. Good luck, Catherine > I would like to honor my groom’s parents at the ceremony.  They both past away > last year from different cancers.  I would like to do this in a positive way > and also not bring the feeling of the wedding down (I know that sounds self > absorbed, but hopefully you understand what I mean). > Do you have any ideas?

Before you buy.

Response:

hi glo, IMHO, that sounds really nice!  i agree with the idea that if you want to do something in loving memory of someone, that it’s important to do it without calling attention to it! all my of biological grandparents are dead.  i am sad that they won’t be at the wedding, but i will be carrying in my little purse: my paternal grandfather’s wedding ring a diamond ring from my paternal grandmother a photo of my maternal grandfather the handkerchief that my maternal grandmother carred at her wedding these are just little things that i want to have with me, though in many ways they will be there! – Lissie (in 3 weeks from tomorrow!!!) : This is very controversial in this newsgroup. : My son is getting married 6/17.  When he walks into the church he will : light a candle that has been inscribed "In loving Memory of John : Comstock" and go stand at his place.  He will do this immediately after : Annette’s mother and I walk in together  and light candles on either : side of the alter  - these two candles will be used for their unity : candle.   : No one other than the immediate family – me, Mike, my daughter, Annette : and the minister and a relative I told about this will know.   : It is a private thing for us – but a way of remembering John for Mike – : which was important to him. : In the wedding program it is listed Parents of the Groom – Gloria : Comstock and the late John Comstock.  That’s it.  Not sure how this : would appear when both parents are deceased.   : Hope this helps. : Glo

: > I would like to honor my groom’s parents at the ceremony.  They both past away : > last year from different cancers.  I would like to do this in a positive way : > and also not bring the feeling of the wedding down (I know that sounds self : > absorbed, but hopefully you understand what I mean). : > : > Do you have any ideas?

Response:

This is very controversial in this newsgroup. My son is getting married 6/17.  When he walks into the church he will light a candle that has been inscribed "In loving Memory of John Comstock" and go stand at his place.  He will do this immediately after Annette’s mother and I walk in together  and light candles on either side of the alter  - these two candles will be used for their unity candle.   No one other than the immediate family – me, Mike, my daughter, Annette and the minister and a relative I told about this will know.   It is a private thing for us – but a way of remembering John for Mike – which was important to him. In the wedding program it is listed Parents of the Groom – Gloria Comstock and the late John Comstock.  That’s it.  Not sure how this would appear when both parents are deceased.   Hope this helps. Glo – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > I would like to honor my groom’s parents at the ceremony.  They both past away > last year from different cancers.  I would like to do this in a positive way > and also not bring the feeling of the wedding down (I know that sounds self > absorbed, but hopefully you understand what I mean). > Do you have any ideas?

Response:

> I would like to honor my groom’s parents at the ceremony.  They both past away > last year from different cancers.  I would like to do this in a positive way > and also not bring the feeling of the wedding down (I know that sounds self > absorbed, but hopefully you understand what I mean). > Do you have any ideas?

A toast at the reception, or a line at the bottom of the program saying something like "In loving memory of…" seem the most "positive" ways to do this.  Just my opinion. My grandmother is buried at the church we are getting married in, and I plan to visit her grave sometime during the day (when I am getting ready, before my dress is on) and put a small flower arrangement on it.  This way, I have thought of her on my wedding day, spent some time reflecting, can cry on my own if I need to, and also not have to show my sad emotions during the ceremony.  That will be reserved for happy emotions! Have you talked to your groom about this?  He may be too emotional about this since it is so recent.  I would not do this as a surprise to him, just a thought… cynthia 10-14-00

Response:

> I would like to honor my groom’s parents at the ceremony.  They both > past away last year from different cancers.  I would like to do this > in a positive way and also not bring the feeling of the wedding down

You’ll find that this topic can be somewhat controversial on this group.  *grin* I’ll give you my opinion – don’t do it.  Especially since their death was so recent.  You have no way of knowing how guests (especially family) will respond to something like this.  For many people a memorial is not something they expect at a wedding and the surprise of it, combined with the recentness of their passing will likely stir some emotions – things that might make the wedding unpleasant for them. If you must do something then make it private between you and your groom and select members of the family who should know about your remembrance.  Carry special flowers, have a special reading, and so on. But don’t make your guests memorialize the dead during what should be a joyful occasion. Karen

Response:

> I would like to honor my groom’s parents at the ceremony.  They both past away > last year from different cancers.  I would like to do this in a positive way > and also not bring the feeling of the wedding down (I know that sounds self > absorbed, but hopefully you understand what I mean).

It’s not self-aborbed at all, and in fact, it’s for this very reason that actual "memorials" really shouldn’t be part of a wedding ceremony, or the celebratory party.  Weddings are joyous, and in the majority of the Western world, memorials aren’t. If you’re having a catholic ceremony, or for some other specific religions,there may be a point in the ceremony where there are prayers offered for those who aren’t with you, and if it’s already a part of the ceremony, you may be able to actually refer to them by name.  Otherwise, if you’re not having a ceremony that already offers this, it’s probably best to leave it out. You have no way of knowing exactly how people will react if you have a memorial of any type, so your best bet is to just do something private and apart from the ceremony itself– go to the cemetery the day before or after with special flowers, or have a special service early in the morning or  the next day.

Response:

I would like to honor my groom’s parents at the ceremony.  They both past away last year from different cancers.  I would like to do this in a positive way and also not bring the feeling of the wedding down (I know that sounds self absorbed, but hopefully you understand what I mean). Do you have any ideas?

Response:

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