My fiance's wedding band

Question:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > Hi there! > My fiance and I went shopping for his wedding band last night. Up until then, > we’d agreed on nearly everything with regard to the wedding. We ran into > trouble last night though. In my mind, a wedding band is supposed to be gold > and shiny, and he found a few that we both agreed looked nice. We ran into > problems, though, when the jeweler showed him a buffed platinum band (which to > me looks like dull metal — doesn’t fit my wedding band prototype). I told my > fiance right away that I didn’t like it, but he decided that he really did. > His argument is that since he’s the one who will be wearing it all of the > time, he should be able to choose the one that he likes the best. My worry is > that everytime we hold hands (after we’re married) and look down at our rings > (the symbols of our lifetime union), all I’ll be able to think is "Gee, I > really don’t like his band." > An additional annoyance is that the platinum band costs $1040 compared > to the nice gold one for $390. We’ve saved a lot of money to pay for the > wedding expenses, so it isn’t that we can’t afford the more expensive ring. I > just know that I’ll be thinking "Gee, I really don’t like his band, AND we > could have used the extra money to go on a vacation!" > We’ve been together for nearly eight years, so a disagreement over a wedding > band style isn’t going to break up our relationship. I guess I’m just > disappointed that we didn’t both fall in love with the same band and I needed > to vent. Am I overreacting? Has anyone else had this problem? > Thanks for listening! > Lisa (& Steve) > 12-13-97

The Gang of Steves has a hard time believing that any October post will be as dysfunctional as this one. Do you believe this loser Lisa and her immature reasoning? Good luck Steve, are you sure you want to be married to this goof? The Gang predicts a divorce in six months or he will murder her in one year. The Gang of Steves

Response:

We had a similar problem to yours. Let me tell you NOW how I feel about it (I had another opinion 5 months ago). I want Kevin to have a band that he loves, not just got to satisfy what I imagined that he’d have. It is his ring, not mine. We ended up going with a custom made 18k white and yellow gold ring that cost $840 rather than the $1220 platinum that he originally wanted. The color is what he likes (silvery), there is just enough yellow to make me happy. Whatever decision you come to, good luck. Maybe looking at the future band as "compromise" rather than "I hate it it" might help. Best Sarah &(Kevin) 2/21/98

Response:

My fiance asked me if I wanted us to get matching wedding bands and I told I didn’t think it was necessary. I wouldn’t worry about it not matching, the fact that it is there as a symbol and that he is wearing it is what matters. If he gets one he doesn’t like as much, he probably won’t like wearing it. I think we are going to pick out the bands for each other and not show each other until the wedding day. I trust his judgement since he did a great job picking out my engagement ring.

Response:

There are other ways in which wedding bands can differ. My wife and I wanted more or less identical bands. But we ended up with bands of different width. I have long fingers, and I got a 12 mm wide band. My wife has short fingers and got a 5 mm wide band. Despite the desire for matching bands, appearance and comfort were the criteria. I could have gotten a 5 mm band, but it seemed "lost" on my hand. My wife could have gotten a 12 mm band, but it would have been uncomfortable. I can wear my 12 mm very comfortably. Now, 16 years later we still are pleased with our bands. And, I’m sure I like mine better than if we compromised and both got, say, 8 mm bands. Chuck

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> > Whoa.. how did this little fellow slip out of my killfile? Get yer butt back > > in there!!! > > Kate & Terry > > February 21, 1998 > Yep, put me back in. I don’t want morons reading my treasures. > The Gang of Steves > Just for good measure you posted it 4 times right?

I knew you were a slow reader. The Gang of Steves

Response:

> Whoa.. how did this little fellow slip out of my killfile? Get yer butt back > in there!!! > Kate & Terry > February 21, 1998

Yep, put me back in. I don’t want morons reading my treasures. The Gang of Steves

Response:

>The Gang of Steves has a hard time believing that any October post will be as >dysfunctional as this one. Do you believe this loser Lisa and her immature >reasoning? Good luck Steve, are you sure you want to be married to this goof? > The >Gang predicts a divorce in six months or he will murder her in one year. >The Gang of Steves

Whoa.. how did this little fellow slip out of my killfile? Get yer butt back in there!!! Kate & Terry February 21, 1998 Kate Kelly ichat pager: Kathryn http://www.wiu.edu/users/mukmk11 Web Developer/Programmer Center for the Application of Information Technologies Western Illinois University http://cait.wiu.edu/cait

Response:

Lisa, In the grand scheme of things, the ring is not that important. Let him get what he wants s other have said, because he does have to wear it, if he chooses. My husband only wears his ring on ’special’ occasions, or when I ask him to be ‘married’ for the day. the job he had when we first got married was with machinery and my choice was wear the ring, or keep the finger. I chose the finger of course, but this has continue through 5 years (almost). My husband’s opinion is that the ring is only a symbol and nothing more. Whether he wears it or not has no bearing on his love for me. He feels he doesn’t need to show others that he loves me, as we both know he does, and always will. So, let him have the ring he wants, as long he understands the implications of the price (more than you wanted to spend so less for something else). Anyway, it’s not that important, what is – is that you are both happy and have a wonderful and perfect wedding day. Have fun!! Maryellen (10/10/92) — Return e-mail is fictitious – use mmerck at city-net (dot) com – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi there! > My fiance and I went shopping for his wedding band last night. Up until then, > we’d agreed on nearly everything with regard to the wedding. We ran into > trouble last night though. In my mind, a wedding band is supposed to be gold > and shiny, and he found a few that we both agreed looked nice. We ran into > problems, though, when the jeweler showed him a buffed platinum band (which to > me looks like dull metal — doesn’t fit my wedding band prototype). I told my > fiance right away that I didn’t like it, but he decided that he really did. > His argument is that since he’s the one who will be wearing it all of the > time, he should be able to choose the one that he likes the best. My worry is > that everytime we hold hands (after we’re married) and look down at our rings > (the symbols of our lifetime union), all I’ll be able to think is "Gee, I > really don’t like his band." > An additional annoyance is that the platinum band costs $1040 compared > to the nice gold one for $390. We’ve saved a lot of money to pay for the > wedding expenses, so it isn’t that we can’t afford the more expensive ring. I > just know that I’ll be thinking "Gee, I really don’t like his band, AND we > could have used the extra money to go on a vacation!" > We’ve been together for nearly eight years, so a disagreement over a wedding > band style isn’t going to break up our relationship. I guess I’m just > disappointed that we didn’t both fall in love with the same band and I needed > to vent. Am I overreacting? Has anyone else had this problem? > Thanks for listening! > Lisa (& Steve) > 12-13-97

Response:

Ok, so he thinks the plain gold is "nice", but he "really likes" the buffed platinum. Your main objections are that the platinum doesn’t fit YOUR expectations and preferences, and the platinum is more expensive (which you’ve noted you can afford). You’re afraid that every time you look at his wedding band, you’ll think "Yuck." >I guess I’m just >disappointed that we didn’t both fall in love with the same band and I needed >to vent. Am I overreacting? Has anyone else had this problem?

My response: 1) See if white gold is a possible solution (it does look different from platinum, though, so he may not like it). 2) Let him choose his own band. In my opinion, matching bands are not a necessity. Presumably, you love him because he IS different from every man on the planet. Why not let his uniqueness and special individuality shine through in his band? 3) I don’t think you’ll think "Yuck", once you open your mind. Instead, you’ll gaze in awe at his hand, and say "Wow. that’s the wedding band that means we’re MARRIED." 4) Did you have any say in choosing your engagement ring? I did. And it was different from what Dave thought of as traditional. (He thought yellow gold, I wanted white gold. And once he looked beyond the traditional, he decided to get a platinum and yellow gold mix for *his* wedding band). My point: what he wants should be your overriding concern, IMO. You get to choose what YOU wear, and he gets to choose what HE wears. Especially if he’s the type to not usually wear jewelry, why NOT get him what he wants? Don’t you want him gazing at it for years, and saying "Geez, I LOVE my ring?" Anyway, hope it works out. Sandi (& Dave, who has an awesome, untraditional ring) 11/3/97 (a month + 1 day!)

Response:

>We ran into problems, though, when the jeweler showed him a buffed >platinum band (which to me looks like dull metal — doesn’t fit my >wedding band prototype). I told my fiance right away that I didn’t like >it, but he decided that he really did.

Imagine if he were to turn to you and tell you that your idea of a gold wedding band (the one that you will be wearing) doesn’t fit into HIS wedding band prototype. He will be the one wearing the band and should have the fianal say in what he wears. I am not sure why it is so important to you that he has a gold band. I actually wanted my fiance to go for a platinum one but he ended up with the plain gold one instead. Does it matter to me? Nope. I just want him to like his ring for more than just what it symbolizes. >In additional annoyance is that the platinum band costs $1040 compared >to the nice gold one for $390. We’ve saved a lot of money to pay for >the wedding expenses, so it isn’t that we can’t afford the more expensive >ring. I just know that I’ll be thinking "Gee, I really don’t like his >band, AND we could have used the extra money to go on a vacation!"

Of all the things that you are spending your money on for the wedding, the rings will be the most meaningful, tangible thing left over when the wedding is all over. A vacation lasts a week and your rings will be there forever. Don’t worry about spending a few extra dollars if you can afford it. If you really can’t then that is a reasonable excuse to forgoe the platinum ring but your post doesn’t leave that impression. Also, imagine if your fiance said to you, "Gee, I really don’t like diamonds (assuming that you have a diamond engagement ring) so you are going to get what I like and we are going to spend the extra money on a vacation." nice. If what is really bothering you is that the two of you don’t agree on something then get used to it. No two people will agree all the time . . . even if they were made for one another. However, if what is bothering really is that he doesn’t want a gold ring then get over it. It is his ring, he has to wear it. If you have a good marriage then you wont spend all eternity regretting that he chose that ring. Diana

Response:

> In my mind, a wedding band is supposed to be gold >and shiny, and he found a few that we both agreed looked nice. We ran into >problems, though, when the jeweler showed him a buffed platinum band (which to >me looks like dull metal — doesn’t fit my wedding band prototype). I told my >fiance right away that I didn’t like it, but he decided that he really did.

I can’t comment on the price difference for the gold and platinum bands, but I can relate to getting rings that don’t match. I pictured wedding bands as being gold; my husband does not like to wear anything (yellow) gold. So my ring is yellow and his is white. But they’re the same plain style and we’re both happy, so that’s what we did. On the slightly humorous side, this scheme guaranteed that the minister did not mix up the rings. Analda

Response:

Linda – I think you’re overreacting – but who hasn’t when they have there heart set on something. I thought my finace would want a platinum (not buffed) band to match my engagement ring (and wedding ring). It turns out that he wanted a titanium band. I searched all over town to find a plan titanium band and when we got to the jewelery store – he wanted the titanium AND gold band. Oh well. It was expensive, but he is the one who has to wear it (and I want him to want to wear the ring). Point is you got the ring you wanted, let him have what he wants. The ring isn’t important, it’s what it symbolizes – your love and committment. Denise (and Toby) Nov. 15, 1997 Excerpts from netnews.alt.wedding: 1-Oct-97 My fiance’s wedding band by – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> My fiance and I went shopping for his wedding band last night. Up until then, > we’d agreed on nearly everything with regard to the wedding. We ran into > trouble last night though. In my mind, a wedding band is supposed to be gold > and shiny, and he found a few that we both agreed looked nice. We ran into > problems, though, when the jeweler showed him a buffed platinum band (which to > me looks like dull metal — doesn’t fit my wedding band prototype). I told my > fiance right away that I didn’t like it, but he decided that he really did. > His argument is that since he’s the one who will be wearing it all of the > time, he should be able to choose the one that he likes the best. My worry is > that everytime we hold hands (after we’re married) and look down at our rings > (the symbols of our lifetime union), all I’ll be able to think is "Gee, I > really don’t like his band." > An additional annoyance is that the platinum band costs $1040 compared > to the nice gold one for $390. We’ve saved a lot of money to pay for the > wedding expenses, so it isn’t that we can’t afford the more expensive ring. I > just know that I’ll be thinking "Gee, I really don’t like his band, AND we > could have used the extra money to go on a vacation!" > We’ve been together for nearly eight years, so a disagreement over a wedding > band style isn’t going to break up our relationship. I guess I’m just > disappointed that we didn’t both fall in love with the same band and I needed > to vent. Am I overreacting? Has anyone else had this problem? > Thanks for listening! > Lisa (& Steve) > 12-13-97

Response:

>I guess I’m just >disappointed that we didn’t both fall in love with the same band and I needed >to vent. Am I overreacting? Has anyone else had this problem?

I don’t know if you’re overreacting – I’ve been accused of such a thing, and never think so myself..:) anyway, I think you should do your best to let him wear the one he likes. My fiancee and I have such different tastes, especially in jewelry. I know that he went far out of his way to guess which engagement ring I’d like most, and had it designed in secret. I love it, and I’m sure it wouldn’t have been his first choice, if he weren’t considering the fact that it was _my_ hand it’d be on. He’s pretty traditional, and he designed my ring with a trillion center stone, and 3 baguettes on either side. His preference, when we browsed together, was round solitaires. He hasn’t flipped over anything I’ve pointed out for his band, but I think the idea that he wants to wear a ring at all (so many guys don’t) is just great. I also know he spent more than I thought he would on my ring, so I’m actually prodding him toward a more expensive band (for him, not me!), but he still likes plain gold. I won’t think it’s the greatest thing ever (just my taste), but I know how great he is (I won’t say the _greatest_, ’cause I know we _all_ have super fiancees)and I think that’s what I’ll think of when I see his hand for the next ….? forever years. Good Luck! Tina

Response:

<snip of wedding band problems> I’m going to have to side with the groom on this one. He’s the one who’ll be looking at it. And your gold band will still fulfill your "dream wedding band". When you look at it, it won’t be how much you hate that ring, it’ll be how much you love him and how much he must love you for wearing such an ugly Relax, I have discovered it is impossible to change men’s minds about jewlery. Good luck! Kate Kate Kelly ichat pager: Kathryn http://www.wiu.edu/users/mukmk11 Web Developer/Programmer Center for the Application of Information Technologies Western Illinois University http://cait.wiu.edu/cait

Response:

My fiancee and I had a similar problem: She likes gold bands, and I tend to like platinum (for me – her engagement ring has a little fitted marriage band thingee <g>.) We have (tentatively) settled upon a platinum band that has a gold section inlaid in it – pretty neat actually. The price is a bit disconcerting, but I have justified it to myself by pointing out that it is still not as much as her engagement ring was. Best of Luck, Norm <snip re: wedding band disagreement> – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> An additional annoyance is that the platinum band costs $1040 compared > to the nice gold one for $390. We’ve saved a lot of money to pay for the > wedding expenses, so it isn’t that we can’t afford the more expensive ring. I > just know that I’ll be thinking "Gee, I really don’t like his band, AND we > could have used the extra money to go on a vacation!"

Response:

> We’ve been together for nearly eight years, so a disagreement over a wedding > band style isn’t going to break up our relationship.

I certainly hope not!! Lisa, I think perhaps you are overreacting a little bit. The ideal situation would be for the two of you to keep looking and find a band you both like. Ultimately, however, I think you should let him have the band he likes best and not make him unhappy by telling him how much you don’t like it. Joel selected and purchased our wedding rings along with my engagement ring. I didn’t have any say in the matter although he knew I have simple taste so he chose simple gold bands (perfect). But even if I hadn’t liked it, I would have worn it happily for the rest of my life. And I think that would be lot worse than your not liking a ring someone else is wearing. I totally agree with you on the symbolism of the ring, believe me (that’s why Joel got them, because he wanted them to be identical, made from the same lump of gold and made in Jerusalem, where we met!!). But I think it is a minor thing to stress over. If you can’t decide on a ring you both like, let him have the one he likes best. Good luck to you on your wedding! Ivette (&Joel, 4/24/97)

Response:

HA! Be happy he wants to actually wear the ring! I have a friend in one of my classes who’s getting married this June. Her fiance informed her that he doesn’t like the look of a man with a ring so is not going to wear one! augh! If he likes platinum (which I love and think lookes incredibly classy) then by all means, let him wear platinum. He’s going to have to wear this ring for quite a long time. He might as well look at it and think "damn what a great ring this is!" Instead of "I hate this gold thing…I’m not going to wear it this week!" good luck!

Response:

[couple disagrees on his ring; she prefers traditional gold; he, platinum] >His argument is that since he’s the one who will be wearing it all of the >time, he should be able to choose the one that he likes the best. My worry is >that everytime we hold hands (after we’re married) and look down at our rings >(the symbols of our lifetime union), all I’ll be able to think is "Gee, I >really don’t like his band."

Well … only if you *let* this become a concession you grudgingly make. You can approach it as "Okay, I am really NOT happy about this. You know that, but I’m going to let you do this anyway." (And you’ll always think about it with a grudge) Or you can just decide that he is so wonderful that the difference in cost (spread out over a lifetime of memories) is a very trivial thing for something that pleases him. Forget how *you* feel about it. How do you want *him* to feel about the ring you give him as a symbol of your *vows* to *him*? Does that perspective help any? >I guess I’m just disappointed that we didn’t both fall in love with the >same band and I needed to vent. Am I overreacting? Has anyone else had >this problem?

I think you’re only over-reacting if you try to punish him into getting the gold ring or else he gets oatmeal for breakfast every day. I had a quasi-similar experience: Mark picked out an unusual, estate-like setting for an engagement ring. I was just a *wee* bit disappointed when I realized I wouldn’t be able to wear a gold band with it, because (like you) I felt like that simple gold band just means "married, happily ever after". But when I really thought about it, I realized I cared only because it was the "expected" thing to do/have, not because I really wanted another ring. I wear the one (engagement/wedding) ring happily now – it’s a lovely symbol, and although I still like to watch it sparkle in the sunshine while I’m driving, I don’t get giddy about it anymore. It’s an accepted part of my daily life/routine now. I guess what I’m saying is that while it might matter now, after a while, your rings are just a part of you. Those vows start to be represented in the little things you do for each other on a daily basis. I think if we faced the same dilemma, I would decide to let Mark make the decision since (yes) he will be wearing it and it is supposed to represent my vows to him (and I wouldn’t want *him* thinking "yuck" every time he looked at the ring *I* gave him as a symbol of our vows). — Josie "The fact that the info is relevant is irrelevant in and of itself." – CK

Response:

[story of disagreement over style of fiance's wedding band] > My >fiance doesn’t want to wear a ring at all. While I wish he would, I will >live with it because it’s his choice. Yes, I will probably look at his >hand and say "I wish he wore a wedding band", but it’s his hand, and he >can put what he likes on it.

I completely agree with Cherise on this one (and I’m in the same boat of me wishing he’d wear a ring, but being pretty sure that he won’t: he’s just not comfortable with jewelry of any kind). I think I’d put another spin on it, though. Imagine your roles being reversed. If he’d bought you the platinum band he prefers as *your* engagement/wedding ring(s), you’d probably have been disappointed. My fiance and I disagreed strongly about my wedding set – he liked one set better, and I liked another. In the end, we went with my choice because I have to wear it, and he realized that he wouldn’t be happy knowing that I was wearing ring(s) that weren’t my first choice. (BTW, the set we got was the more expensive choice, but in the long run – over the decades I’ll wear the set – the difference in price is less than trivial) caren — Caren M. Jones, Asst. Professor Voice: (413) 545-1543 Department of Psychology, Box 37710 FAX: (413) 545-0996 Amherst, MA 01003-7710

Response:

My husband had picked out a particular style. Then he said, hey, I am buying diamonds for my wife, I want diamonds on my band! We looked at several different styles. Then he saw one and just said, that is it. It is a gold band with four diamonds at a diagonal set in white gold. I think it beautiful. However, I thought, whatever he picks is his choice, he will be wearing that ring just like you may have picked out your ring, style or your wedding gown. He actually wears his father’s band to work, which is plain white gold. The suggestion I would make is to have him look at many styles, however, if this is his decision, he won’t be happy with another style. Hope everything works out. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Hi there! >My fiance and I went shopping for his wedding band last night. Up until then, >we’d agreed on nearly everything with regard to the wedding. We ran into >trouble last night though. In my mind, a wedding band is supposed to be gold >and shiny, and he found a few that we both agreed looked nice. We ran into >problems, though, when the jeweler showed him a buffed platinum band (which to >me looks like dull metal — doesn’t fit my wedding band prototype). I told my >fiance right away that I didn’t like it, but he decided that he really did. >His argument is that since he’s the one who will be wearing it all of the >time, he should be able to choose the one that he likes the best. My worry is >that everytime we hold hands (after we’re married) and look down at our rings >(the symbols of our lifetime union), all I’ll be able to think is "Gee, I >really don’t like his band." >An additional annoyance is that the platinum band costs $1040 compared >to the nice gold one for $390. We’ve saved a lot of money to pay for the >wedding expenses, so it isn’t that we can’t afford the more expensive ring. I >just know that I’ll be thinking "Gee, I really don’t like his band, AND we >could have used the extra money to go on a vacation!" >We’ve been together for nearly eight years, so a disagreement over a wedding >band style isn’t going to break up our relationship. I guess I’m just >disappointed that we didn’t both fall in love with the same band and I needed >to vent. Am I overreacting? Has anyone else had this problem? >Thanks for listening! >Lisa (& Steve) >12-13-97

Response:

Well….I prefer the look of platinum anyways so I’d side with your fiance. ALso, many men don’t like to wear gold and shiny things. My fiance doesn’t want to wear a ring at all. While I wish he would, I will live with it because it’s his choice. Yes, I will probably look at his hand and say "I wish he wore a wedding band", but it’s his hand, and he can put what he likes on it. The cost will be a frustrating issue – btw, has he tried white gold? It’s cheaper than platinum but has similar look, altho it tends towards being shiny. Might be a good compromise. But one of the things we considered when buying my engagement ring was that I would be wearing it for the rest of my life, and while we had a budget to stay within, we might as well pick something that *I* like since I will be wearing it, and Steve left the decision up to me (we had picked out 3, I told him my order of preference, but price was an issue, so he surprised me by picking my favorite one, after he was able to knock the price down). We were lucky in that we both liked the same one, but he would have gotten it anyways, since I would be the one wearing it. So, are you overreacting? Hm,, well, I think I understand how you feel, but IMO, you may be overreacting. Decide how important it is to each of you, but in the end, I would leave the final decision up to him, since he’s wearing it. Good luck Cherise – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Thanks for listening! > Lisa (& Steve) > 12-13-97

Response:

Hi there! My fiance and I went shopping for his wedding band last night. Up until then, we’d agreed on nearly everything with regard to the wedding. We ran into trouble last night though. In my mind, a wedding band is supposed to be gold and shiny, and he found a few that we both agreed looked nice. We ran into problems, though, when the jeweler showed him a buffed platinum band (which to me looks like dull metal — doesn’t fit my wedding band prototype). I told my fiance right away that I didn’t like it, but he decided that he really did. His argument is that since he’s the one who will be wearing it all of the time, he should be able to choose the one that he likes the best. My worry is that everytime we hold hands (after we’re married) and look down at our rings (the symbols of our lifetime union), all I’ll be able to think is "Gee, I really don’t like his band." An additional annoyance is that the platinum band costs $1040 compared to the nice gold one for $390. We’ve saved a lot of money to pay for the wedding expenses, so it isn’t that we can’t afford the more expensive ring. I just know that I’ll be thinking "Gee, I really don’t like his band, AND we could have used the extra money to go on a vacation!" We’ve been together for nearly eight years, so a disagreement over a wedding band style isn’t going to break up our relationship. I guess I’m just disappointed that we didn’t both fall in love with the same band and I needed to vent. Am I overreacting? Has anyone else had this problem? Thanks for listening! Lisa (& Steve) 12-13-97

Response:

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Wedding Rings

Answering questions about the one and only Ring