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Question:

Hi, I just need an outside opinion on this one.  I’m getting married in two months and we are having a big wedding, 400 invited.  I work as a nurse and am having a hard time deciding who to invite from work.   I do have closer friends, but they are also obligated to work that weekend, so I don’t want to look like I’m just looking for gifts since I already know they will have to work.  Also should I invite my bosses??  I’ve been going over and over this and just can’t come up with an answer.  I’ve gone from possibly inviting everyone and inviting no one.   Whatever suggestions anyone has, I’d appreciate!! Thanks Nicole

Response:

>  I work as a nurse and > am having a hard time deciding who to invite from work.   I do have closer > friends, but they are also obligated to work that weekend, so I don’t want > to look like I’m just looking for gifts since I already know they will have > to work.

Most workplaces post schedules less than months in advance, and there is usually at least some wiggle room for rescheduling for vacation or personal days.  If you send your invitations out 6-8 weeks in advance, anyone — your coworkers or your other friends or family — should have some time to cover their basic local work shift.  If you have long-distance guests, a "save the date" card is a good idea. Inviting a boss is traditional, but usually not *all* of them — especially where there are mutliple shift supervisors plus other higher-ups in the organization.

Response:

> Hi, I just need an outside opinion on this one.  I’m getting married in two > months and we are having a big wedding, 400 invited.  I work as a nurse and > am having a hard time deciding who to invite from work.   I do have closer > friends, but they are also obligated to work that weekend, so I don’t want > to look like I’m just looking for gifts since I already know they will have > to work.  Also should I invite my bosses??  I’ve been going over and over > this and just can’t come up with an answer.  I’ve gone from possibly > inviting everyone and inviting no one.   Whatever suggestions anyone has, > I’d appreciate!!

        Traditionally, you ought to invite your boss(es).  As far as work friends go, you should only invite the ones with whom you have a *social* relationship.  Ask yourself if you’ve ever been out to dinner with them, or if they’ve been to your home or you’ve been to theirs (if if you see yourself doing those things in the near future).  If not, then they are business acquaintances, not social friends.  And if they’re not social friends, it’s usually best not to invite them to a purely social occasion.  After all, if you invite them to your wedding, you’re implying that you two have the sort of friendship where people are delighted to spend their *free* time together and keep up with each other’s personal events and buy gifts for each other to commemorate auspicious occasions. If you don’t do that, it’s probably more of a burden for them to come than a pleasure.  When people start inviting business acquaintances to weddings, it’s the beginning of a slippery slope.  Then they wonder if they should invite *you* to their wedding, and then there’s the question of birthday parties and baby showers and all that jazz.  Best not to start the whole thing unless it’s a *real* friendship that you plan on continuing.         As far as the guests who will be working, just send an invitation, and maybe enclose a note saying you understand they’re scheduled to work, but you wanted them to know you were thinking of them, and if plans happened to change before the rsvp date, you’d be delighted to see them. Best wishes, Ericka

Response:

> > : >>I am having troubles with my father and his rendition of our guest > : list…He wants to invite his "socisl" friends who don’t even know me. I > : want to invite my best friends parents who know me very well, but do not > : know my parents : "socially." How do I know what is proper etiquette?<<

RE: Guest list… The easiest way to avoid trouble here is by allotting invitations. Each family has so many, as does the bride and groom. When problems arise, you may say to your father, for example, "Dad, you have 20 invitations, invite whom you will." This solution tends to keep every- one happy, and tends to eliminate those "not-so-close" friends and associates. All the best, Deb McCoy, Author, "For the Bride" For more info, book offer, Bride’s Dir; Gold Index; Diamond – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->         It’s your wedding, first off. Do invite your best friend’s > parents. It doesn’t matter if they know your parents, as they are YOUR > guests. As for your father’s wishes, while I wouldn’t suggest annoying > him, I would explain that this is your special occasion, and you don’t > see the sense in inviting people you don’t know and who don’t know you. > You always have the option of inviting them to the reception and not the > wedding, though that’s another sticky area. > Even though you have not met your dad’s social friends (are there any > other kind?), they probably feel as though they saw you grow up, hearing > all about you from your dad. > How about (1) deciding how many people you want to invite to the wedding; > (2) dividing the list between you, your fiance, and any joint friends; > (3) putting on the list whomever YOU want to invite; (4) leaving a few > slots for your dad to choose whom he wants to invite.  He may have to > choose amongst people, but just about everyone does have to trim lists. > Barbara

Response:

> : >>I am having troubles with my father and his rendition of our guest > : list…He wants to invite his "socisl" friends who don’t even know me. I > : want to invite my best friends parents who know me very well, but do not > : know my parents : "socially." How do I know what is proper etiquette?<< >         It’s your wedding, first off. Do invite your best friend’s > parents. It doesn’t matter if they know your parents, as they are YOUR > guests. As for your father’s wishes, while I wouldn’t suggest annoying > him, I would explain that this is your special occasion, and you don’t > see the sense in inviting people you don’t know and who don’t know you. > You always have the option of inviting them to the reception and not the > wedding, though that’s another sticky area.

Even though you have not met your dad’s social friends (are there any other kind?), they probably feel as though they saw you grow up, hearing all about you from your dad. How about (1) deciding how many people you want to invite to the wedding; (2) dividing the list between you, your fiance, and any joint friends; (3) putting on the list whomever YOU want to invite; (4) leaving a few slots for your dad to choose whom he wants to invite.  He may have to choose amongst people, but just about everyone does have to trim lists. Barbara

Response:

: >>I am having troubles with my father and his rendition of our guest : list…He wants to invite his "socisl" friends who don’t even know me. I : want to invite my best friends parents who know me very well, but do not : know my parents : "socially." How do I know what is proper etiquette?<<         It’s your wedding, first off. Do invite your best friend’s parents. It doesn’t matter if they know your parents, as they are YOUR guests. As for your father’s wishes, while I wouldn’t suggest annoying him, I would explain that this is your special occasion, and you don’t see the sense in inviting people you don’t know and who don’t know you. You always have the option of inviting them to the reception and not the wedding, though that’s another sticky area.              Ericah                (Sometimes             Saundra)                *

Response:

>I am having troubles with my father and his rendition of our guest list. > I really don’t know the etiquette for this….  He wants to invite his >’socisl’ friends who don’t even know me.  I want to invite my best >friends parents who know me very well, but do not know my parents >’socially’.  How do I know what is proper etiquette? >    Also, my Dad states that "It is our (his and my mom’s) wedding, I >(me) am just the one getting married."  SO he wants complete control over >everything!!!!!! >This is driving me nuts!!!!! >– >Milja Saari             SoftQuad,Inc.

Hi Milja, You both should feel free to invite whomever you wish. Keep in mind that it is quite likely that several/many/most of your parents’ colleagues and social friends who do not know you and the groom may not come to the wedding anyway. With that in mind, try not to give your Dad a hard time about his guest list. Pick your battles – if you are gracious about this part, he may be more likely to compromise on future wedding issues. Best wishes and good luck, Julia and David (4-20-96) PS – I’m lucky. My Dad gave me a check to cover the wedding expenses, told me to let him know if I need more, calls once a week just to see how things are going and asks if I want him to do anything. What a prince!

Response:

>I am having troubles with my father and his rendition of our guest list. > I really don’t know the etiquette for this….  He wants to invite his >’socisl’ friends who don’t even know me.  I want to invite my best >friends parents who know me very well, but do not know my parents >’socially’.  How do I know what is proper etiquette? >    Also, my Dad states that "It is our (his and my mom’s) wedding, I >(me) am just the one getting married."  SO he wants complete control over >everything!!!!!! >This is driving me nuts!!!!!

If your parents are hosting (read: paying for) the wedding, they have every right to dictate who does and does not get invited.  Many parents are generous enough to host a reception for their children’s friends and not their own, but if that isn’t your situation, you have two choices: (1) Graciously decline your parents’ offer to host the wedding, do it yourself, invite whoever you want to invite, and consider your parents’ (and your groom’s parents’) guest list requests based on whatever criteria seem reasonable to you.  (2) Accept your parents’ offer, with strings, allow them to invite people you don’t know, and request – not demand – that they invite your own friends. I know this is not what you wanted to hear.  But really, that’s how it works.  It is, of course, typical, for the bride and groom to want to invite those who have been important in their lives.  It is also typical for parents to invite all sorts of people who hardly know the B&G. Striking a balance is a major juggling act if only one set of people is hosting the wedding.  (It’s only a little less harrowing when two or more parties are contributing to the costs!) Holly (& Ken) 8/25/96

Response:

> I am having troubles with my father and his rendition of our guest list. >  I really don’t know the etiquette for this….  He wants to invite his > ’socisl’ friends who don’t even know me.  I want to invite my best > friends parents who know me very well, but do not know my parents > ’socially’.  How do I know what is proper etiquette? >         Also, my Dad states that "It is our (his and my mom’s) wedding, I > (me) am just the one getting married."  SO he wants complete control over > everything!!!!!! > This is driving me nuts!!!!! > — > Milja Saari             SoftQuad,Inc.

Milja, I am assuming that your parents are paying for the wedding Since they are taking such a stand about it?  Do you have the option of not accepting their help and paying for it yourself with your fiance’s help? Even if it were a much smaller wedding, it would be yours, and that is the point.  IT IS YOUR WEDDING. Your parents had their day when they got married.  Weddings are supposed to be a celebration of joy for the bride and groom with family and friends, NOT a chance for parents to do a business deal or schmooze it up with their "social" friends.  Unfortunetly in this day and time, many people have forgotten that. Wedding etiquette is different in different places. Where I come from, you invite family and friends and if you want to include aquaintances, collegues, or "social" people, you send an announcement, unless of course you have an unlimited budget and can throw money where you will. If paying for the wedding yourself is not an option, try to sit down with your parents and talk it out.  As long as you can invite whomever you choose, I wouldn’t worry too much about who they invite.  If the people don’t know you well enough to feel comfortable about coming, they won’t.  If they do come, it shouldn’t be a big deal as long as YOU WERE ABLE TO INVITE YOUR GUESTS AS WELL.   Good luck, and let us know how it works out.  We are all pulling for you!! Just my opinion. Tara (and Mark) 5/18/96

Response:

I am having troubles with my father and his rendition of our guest list.  I really don’t know the etiquette for this….  He wants to invite his ’socisl’ friends who don’t even know me.  I want to invite my best friends parents who know me very well, but do not know my parents ’socially’.  How do I know what is proper etiquette?         Also, my Dad states that "It is our (his and my mom’s) wedding, I (me) am just the one getting married."  SO he wants complete control over everything!!!!!! This is driving me nuts!!!!! — Milja Saari             SoftQuad,Inc.

Response:

> I am having troubles with my father and his rendition of our guest list. >  I really don’t know the etiquette for this….  He wants to invite his > ’socisl’ friends who don’t even know me.  I want to invite my best > friends parents who know me very well, but do not know my parents > ’socially’.  How do I know what is proper etiquette? >         Also, my Dad states that "It is our (his and my mom’s) wedding, I > (me) am just the one getting married."  SO he wants complete control over > everything!!!!!! > This is driving me nuts!!!!! > — > Milja Saari             SoftQuad,Inc.

I’ve shot more than a few weddings where it is obvious that the parents, not the wedding couple, invited the majority of guests.  I’m not speaking too lots of relatives which often can not be left out, but more to non-relation friends of the parents vs. friends of the couple.   While every wedding is special to the couple, in the scereno where the guests tend to primarily be friends of the parents, the couple often leaves the reception early, and the atmosphere lends to polite chat, rather than a celibration. I am generalizing. I’d work with your parents toward sharing the guest list.  I realize that IF your dad is paying for the event, you may have a hard time over-riding some decisions. However, make him aware that this is YOUR DAY, and his gift. Good Luck — Ron Frank Mirror Image Photography Conifer, CO (303) 838-3099

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>>I am having troubles with my father and his rendition of our guest list…He

wants to invite his "socisl" friends who don’t even know me. I want to invite my best friends parents who know me very well, but do not know my parents "socially." How do I know what is proper etiquette?<< Milja – My fiance and I will probably face this problem, too. Fortunately, my parents only want me to invite their friends who know me and have watched me grow up, but Ken’s father is a university professor who may want us to invite all of his colleagues (most of whom don’t know Ken). I don’t know if you’re getting married in a religious ceremony, but if you are, gently remind your father that your wedding is a religious ceremony (not a purely social occasion) and that the day is for you and your fiance, not your parents and not your fiance’s parents. I wouldn’t worry about inviting those who do not know your parents "socially." Ken and I will be inviting many of our friends from college, co-workers, church friends, etc. who have never met our parents. We may or may not send announcements after the ceremony to friends of our parents who don’t know us and will not be invited to the ceremony or reception. I’d prefer not to, as this looks like an excuse for more gifts, but it may be the only way to please my FFIL. Nancy

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