Wedding Rings

Children at Weddings?

Question:

[stories about children deleted] While reading all of these responses about having children at the wedding, I decided what to do for my own wedding.   We are inviting all the children of friends and families, however, since there are not a lot of children amoung them, or the people are not expected to attend, I don’t think that this will be a big problem.  We decided to invite the children because it would be easier for several of the people to attend and because the children are relatively behaved and the ones we are expecting to attend definately are well behaved.   I am going to ask my coordinator if her two teenage daughters would like to babysit.  They babysit for several people in thier church, and I would trust them with my children if I had any.  We are planning on having the reception at the hotel the guests will be staying at, or just across the street, so a room for the children will be no problem as several rooms will be paidfor, but vacated by that time.   I also plan to put a little note at the bottom of the programs to the effect of ‘We are glad your child is able to experiance our union, but we want you to remove them should they become noisy."  I will also have the ushers (which will not be standing with us) to direct the parents outside should the children be a problem.  The ceremony is in a very (very very very) small chapel and is only about 30 minutes long, and there is a nice park ouside.  They can take thier rug rats to play outside.  Luckily it’s mostly friends that have the kids and will do this without prompting.  Family may have to be directed outside. Oh, well, you can’t pick your family. Lynn

Response:

>>You can’t please everyone so please yourself.   >What I don’t understand, now that I have two little children >myself, is why would you want to bring your children with you >to an evening reception?  You can’t enjoy the wedding as well >and you probably have to leave early to get the kids to bed.

I haven’t figured out what to do about the ceremony – I don’t want noise during the ceremony, but kids at the reception will not be a problem.  We are planning a buffet type reception that won’t be that incredibly formal.  For my fiance’s family, fancy is wearing anything better than blue jeans:-) anna March 12 1994

Response:

> I attended a wedding last year in which the bride and groom arranged > to have babysitters available for the ceremony and the reception. > This arrangement worked out pretty well and seemed to please everyone. > Several out-of-town guests had to bring their children and it is tough > enough finding a trustworthy babysitter at home, let alone in > another city! >        –kathleen

Some churches have nurseries – you could probably hire the person who normally runs it on Sundays and during church functions. anna March 12 1994

Response:

>Well, I can certainly see your point about having families share in your day, >and I think that is a nice sentiment BUT I attended a wedding once where a >baby cried INCREDIBLY LOUDLY almost throughout the entire ceremony.  I >couldn’t believe the mother of that child didn’t excuse herself, take the >baby outside or to the back of the church or *something*.  Because of the >screaming baby, the rest of us could not hear the vows, could barely >hear the minister, and had trouble enjoying the whole thing.

        I think that was very rude on the part of the baby’s mother.  This is a terrible part of those things that can happen at a wedding.  Just one of one too many things involving children and babies. >The worst part is that the baby’s crying drowned out all sound in the >wedding video, so you can’t hear the vows there, either.  The bride and >groom were disappointed.  

        I can imagine.  What a terrible waste of money for the bride and groom.  What they thought was going to be a beautiful remembrance of their wedding day is just the cry of a baby whose mother could not take the time to calm him down and take him/her outside to the church’s garden or something. >My feeling is that the ceremony contains some very tender, solemn, and >spiritual moments, which could really be disturbed by children.  Also, >the guests you invite to your wedding ceremony are *witnesses* – they >are supposed to be able to hear you take your vows and witness the union.

        I agree.  Totally.  Make that a $0.04 >Colette George

[rest of .sig deleted]                                                 Lucy — / "For of all sad words of word or pen, / the saddest are these: ‘It might have been!’ John Greenleaf Whittier  //

Response:

[my own original posting deleted] >Whether it’s in bad taste is irrelevant–it’s completely unnecessary. The >only people an invitation applies to are those to whom it is addressed. >That means, as someone posted earlier, that if you send an invitation to >Mr. and Mrs. Jones-Smith, only they are invited, and they are not entitle >to bring anyone who has not received an invitation. For the adult Miss >Smith, if one does not know the name of her escort, one writes "Miss Smith >and Guest" or something similar on the inside envelope. Again, this is an >invitation for only two people.

        This may all be true, but one may not, as a couple, ignore those invited whom you know are travelling, for example, from out of state and therefore need to bring their children along.  To make such an assumption would be rude on my part as a bride, I think. >It is in much worse taste to arrive at a party to which you are not >invited, or to bring someone who has not received an invitation in either >of these forms.

        Well, that is probably bad too.  But, in such a case, why not include a little note with it, including a phone number in case there are questions?  I think that to be a pretty intelligent move. >Of course, there is no way to ensure that the recipients of invitations are >aware of what a faux-pas it would be to bring children who are not invited, >other than having someone speak to them, as you suggest.

        I think that is only one way to do it.  There are many other ways, in better taste and in a way that will not offend your guests.  Look at what Ms. Manners would say. >One other word, on the original post, from these standard rules of >etiquette it is perfectly acceptable for you to invite some children and >not others, and you don’t need to give explanations. >Freb Hunt

        That’s perfectly fine too, if you are not expecting others to show their resentment.  I personally would explain why some are invited and why others aren’t.                                         Lucy — / "For of all sad words of word or pen, / the saddest are these: ‘It might have been!’ John Greenleaf Whittier  //

Response:

Thanks to the fact that my reception is being held in a building that has a hotel upstairs, I am having ‘day care’ during the reception.  I plan on hiring 2 or more nannies from a local service and supplying them with borrowed playpens and lots of toys.  I am planning on a 2 room suite so one room can be dark and quiet for sleepers and one room with toys, coloring books, tv, and maybe hiring a clown for a while. This way parents have an option for whiny, sleepy, or hyper kids.  I can’t NOT invite these kids as my wedding is 1000 miles from where most of my siblings live and I don’t expect they’ll come unless the kids come too, and most of my sisblings have kids.  This way they can decide if they want to bring the kids or not.  Also, there will be a ‘representative’ from the building on sight to play cop.  I plan on having her suggest the nursery to parents of disrupting children, as well as patrol for unwanted alcohol (but that’s another post) and generally keep the peace.  How I am going to divy up food for these kids is another story, I think I may plan on having catered food (more to kids tastes) sent to the nursery for all children.  I don’t want to spend $20 a plate on food that kids aren’t going to eat.  This way all the kids can go elsewhere to eat and moms and dads can relax and eat in peace.  I think most kids will prefer pizza or hot dogs and burgers to filet mignon or roast chicken.  I guess, if some parents want their kids to eat with them thy can, I’m not trying to be a snotty, bitchy bride, I just want everyone to enjoy themselves and I assume most of my siblings would rather have a few hours to themselves for eating and dancing after driving 22 hours with their kids.  I’m still not sure what the cut off age is going to be, the youngest person in my wedding (a flower girl) will be 6 and I know she can be trusted to behave as can most of my neices and nephews, heck, I think some of the older ones might be a bigger problem. Joan — Joan C. Maxfield                * "Je Crois que je vais cracher une

Response:

|> |> >We are *definitely* inviting all of the children in our families, as well as |> >those of our friends.  Many of our family and friends will be traveling |> >hundreds or thousands of miles to be with us, and we would never make their |> >attendance prohibitive by demanding that they leave their children behind. |> |> >More importantly to us however, we both believe that a wedding is not |> >supposed to be "perfect", it is supposed to be real. |> … |> >if your neice cries during the ceremony or some little kid  goes sliding |> >across the dance floor, you ignore it, or hug the baby or slide across that |> >floor right along with the little kid, because even on your wedding day you |> >can remember how much fun that was. |> |> >–Sharon Astyk   |> Well, I can certainly see your point about having families share in your day, and I think that is a nice sentiment BUT I attended a wedding once where a baby cried INCREDIBLY LOUDLY almost throughout the entire ceremony.  I couldn’t believe the mother of that child didn’t excuse herself, take the baby outside or to the back of the church or *something*.  Because of the screaming baby, the rest of us could not hear the vows, could barely hear the minister, and had trouble enjoying the whole thing.  (of course, at the reception when there was lots of loud music, the kid slept like an angel through it all – go figure). The worst part is that the baby’s crying drowned out all sound in the wedding video, so you can’t hear the vows there, either.  The bride and groom were disappointed.   My feeling is that the ceremony contains some very tender, solemn, and spiritual moments, which could really be disturbed by children.  Also, the guests you invite to your wedding ceremony are *witnesses* – they are supposed to be able to hear you take your vows and witness the union. My $0.02. — Colette George                   Bell-Northern Research Ltd.     Ottawa, Ontario, Canada

Response:

We had this same problem about whether or not to invite children for our upcoming wedding of July 3.  What we decided to do is put "Adult Reception immediately following ceremony" on the reception card. Most parents won’t want to take their children to the wedding and then have to bring them back home before the reception.  Some children may still show up, but not as many.  We asked our immediately family if they wanted their children at the ceremony, but after they thought about it they would rather have a "day off" to relax and to enjoy the wedding themselves. Having whoever is announcing the wedding (mother/father) spread the news that the bride and groom prefer a more formal occassion for adults has also worked.  People can’t really argue with that. Well, Good Luck Beth

Response:

>We are *definitely* inviting all of the children in our families, as well as >those of our friends.  Many of our family and friends will be traveling >hundreds or thousands of miles to be with us, and we would never make their >attendance prohibitive by demanding that they leave their children behind. >More importantly to us however, we both believe that a wedding is not >supposed to be "perfect", it is supposed to be real. … >if your neice cries during the ceremony or some little kid  goes sliding >across the dance floor, you ignore it, or hug the baby or slide across that >floor right along with the little kid, because even on your wedding day you >can remember how much fun that was. >–Sharon Astyk  

I agree completely! To me, the point of a wedding reception is to have a big party with all your friends and relatives, and your spouse’s friends and relatives. They get to meet each other, you might get to see people you haven’t seen in a long time, and everybody has fun. Why limit that to just adults? When I was growing up, my parents rarely went to parties without my brother and I. They don’t seem to regret that, and I don’t recall being bored very often. Especially at a wedding, with balloons, dancing, music, food… Fun doesn’t change that much with age. I’m getting married in September, and I hope that everyone that I invite will bring their kids. I’m going to try to make sure there will be food that the kids will want to eat, and that there is a place for kids to sack out if they get tired. If guests would rather not bring their children, that’s fine, but I figure I’m inviting families, not just one or both parents. There should be enough fun to go around. Since a wedding is, among other things, a celebration of the start of life together, and maybe the start of a family, why separate the families of those who attend?                 Brett — Brett Kuehner, Racal-Redac, Mahwah, NJ …!princeton!hhb!bvk

Response:

We have limited our wedding to 70 people.  There are a lot of adults that we wanted to invite that we couldn’t.  Our philosophy is that if there are close friends or relatives that are not being invited due to this constraint, we certainly don’t want to exceed our 70 person limit because someone doesn’t want to come without their kids.  It is not a matter of not wanting children at our wedding, it is more a matter of prioritizing our guest list. We did not include children on our invitations.  People are supposed to understand that this means they should not bring their kids.  This does not mean that they will not try and bring them, however. We heard through the grapevine that at least three couples planned on bringing their children for a total of six children.  That is nearly 10% of our guest list.  All of these couples are on my fiance’s side of the family. We handled it by having my fiance’s parents contact those people and give them the following reasons for not bringing their children: 1.  The guest list is limited to 70 people and we have already had to leave out several people we would like to see there.   2.  Nobody else’s children were invited. If they show up with their children it might cause some resentment. 3.  The wedding is on board a ship and we are worried about the little tykes falling overboard.  After all, it’s hard to supervise small children closely for 6-7 hours. 4.  Babysitting is available through the hotel for the out-of-towners.  Some people will be bringing their own sitters in from out of town.  Perhaps they can arrange something with them? It helps a lot to have someone else act as a buffer in  this situation. We’ve heard now that sitters have been arranged for the children in question.  No one has decided not to come because they can’t bring their kids.  All in all, things went a lot smoother than we expected.   Valerie

Response:

> it is of bad taste to include a note on the invitation to the reception > that says something like: "Valid only for two persons" or something to that > extent.  So, avoid that.  

Whether it’s in bad taste is irrelevant–it’s completely unnecessary. The only people an invitation applies to are those to whom it is addressed. That means, as someone posted earlier, that if you send an invitation to Mr. and Mrs. Jones-Smith, only they are invited, and they are not entitle to bring anyone who has not received an invitation. For the adult Miss Smith, if one does not know the name of her escort, one writes "Miss Smith and Guest" or something similar on the inside envelope. Again, this is an invitation for only two people. It is in much worse taste to arrive at a party to which you are not invited, or to bring someone who has not received an invitation in either of these forms. Of course, there is no way to ensure that the recipients of invitations are aware of what a faux-pas it would be to bring children who are not invited, other than having someone speak to them, as you suggest. One other word, on the original post, from these standard rules of etiquette it is perfectly acceptable for you to invite some children and not others, and you don’t need to give explanations. Freb Hunt

Response:

>>We are having a problem deciding if children should be invited to our wedding. >….  How have people >dealt with this? What do you say to annoyed parents?  Thanks everyone!

Consider hiring a baby sitter to watch kids at the wedding, especially if you can arrange for him/her to have the kids in a seperate room from that of the ceremony/reception.  This way the kids are "invited" but they’re not underfoot. If there will be alot of kids you may need to hire more than one sitter. —                                                 —  Michal Impressive amounts of material can be accreted in this manner.

Response:

Because our guest list is already so large, we are only inviting children if they are family members, if their parents are in the bridal party, or if their parents are coming in from out of town. Most of my bridal party is local and are not planning on bringing their children anyway because they want to be able to really enjoy themselves. We don’t mind having children at our wedding and reception, but we have an afternoon ceremony and evening reception and we felt it would be a long day for both children and parents if children were invited to both. I just received an invitation from a friend. He and his fiancee have procured childcare for the ceremony because they consider it to be a very solemn event, but are welcoming children at the reception. — Information Network Services Case Western Reserve University (216) 368-2982

Response:

Vicki and Michael:         You’re concerned about what to do with the children.  First of all, it is of bad taste to include a note on the invitation to the reception that says something like: "Valid only for two persons" or something to that extent.  So, avoid that.  Instead, have a couple of people (like your mother and your sister, for example) do what a couple of friends of mine did: run the voice around that you would prefer that children were not present.  You do not need to give any excuses or justifications for it. You would just do better without many children around.         I hope this helps somehow.                                                 L. Diaz — / "For of all sad words of word or pen, / the saddest are these: ‘It might have been!’ John Greenleaf Whittier  //

Response:

I attended a wedding last year in which the bride and groom arranged to have babysitters available for the ceremony and the reception. This arrangement worked out pretty well and seemed to please everyone. Several out-of-town guests had to bring their children and it is tough enough finding a trustworthy babysitter at home, let alone in another city! I have yet to decide what to do for my wedding (at this point, it doesn’t look like we’re inviting anyone with very young and/or hyper kids).        –kathleen

Response:

We are having a problem deciding if children should be invited to our wedding. It will be an evening ceremony and reception, and we just aren’t sure if little ones would be able to handle the long night without getting cranky. Also, we don’t want hyper kids running around like banshees.  My little sister and brother (7 and 4 years old) will be in the wedding.  We also have to invite some of my older cousins (10 years and up) because they are so close (and well mannered).  Unfortunately, we have friends who have children that are VERY young or VERY obnoxious.  How can we invite some children and not others?  Should there be an age cutoff?  Should we explain by saying that the ones who are invited are family?  Even though I am having young children in the wedding as flower girl/ring bearer, that doesn’t mean other children of similar ages should be invited, does it?  I’ve given up on pleasing everyone, but we don’t want to hurt feelings.  How have people dealt with this? What do you say to annoyed parents?  Thanks everyone!                                                            -Vicki and Michael

Response:

>We are having a problem deciding if children should be >invited to our wedding. >Also, we don’t want hyper kids running around like banshees.  

My fiance has two little cousins – they were a TERROR at his sister’s wedding.  I almost hurt myself a few times trying to keep from hurting them when they were on the dance floor.  I’m planning on having a firm yet tactful friend keep an eye on things and if any of the kids get out of hand s/he can talk to their parents.

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >We are having a problem deciding if children should be invited to our wedding. >It will be an evening ceremony and reception, and we just aren’t sure if >little ones would be able to handle the long night without getting cranky. >Also, we don’t want hyper kids running around like banshees.  My little >sister and brother (7 and 4 years old) will be in the wedding.  We also have >to invite some of my older cousins (10 years and up) because they are so >close (and well mannered).  Unfortunately, we have friends who have children >that are VERY young or VERY obnoxious.  How can we invite some children and >not others?  Should there be an age cutoff?  Should we explain by saying >that the ones who are invited are family?  Even though I am having young >children in the wedding as flower girl/ring bearer, that doesn’t mean other >children of similar ages should be invited, does it?  I’ve given up on >pleasing everyone, but we don’t want to hurt feelings.  How have people >dealt with this? What do you say to annoyed parents?  Thanks everyone! >                                                           -Vicki and Michael

This was the stickiest part of our wedding.  We did not have the room in our hall to accomodate all the kids in the family.  By family I mean my husbands, cousins children.  It would have added a good 30-40 people to the reception many of which were under 6 years of age.  We simply addressed the invitations with only the parents names on their.  I had my two nieces in the wedding and they were escorted by their brothers.  The four of them with my cousins two children, who we were also very close with, were the total number of children on my side of the family, 6 in all.  I’m sure that the families with children that were not invited noticed them there but I didn’t care because it was my  wedding, my husband by the way agreed – he couldn’t even tell you the names of all the kids on his side of the family. You can’t please everyone so please yourself.  My husbands cousins are VERY sensitive to the fact that their children were not invited and some of them did not come.  At my brother-in-laws wedding (same family) not only did some of the cousins not come but their parents didn’t either.  When my brother-in-lawtold them afterward that they were missed, they replied "Well thats what happens when you don’t invite our grandchildren".  At $18 a plate I say too bad.  I’ve been to weddings with these children and they are WILD and wasteful. All in all, I was very happy with our reception and don’t regret not inviting children.  It was 6 years ago and I have had no problems with any family memberson either side because they’re kids weren’t invited.   And as for friends children, I wouldn’t even consider them. What I don’t understand, now that I have two little children myself, is why would you want to bring your children with you to an evening reception?  You can’t enjoy the wedding as well and you probably have to leave early to get the kids to bed. We aren’t even taking my daughter to my brother’s wedding this fall and he’s her godfather.  It would just be too late for her and my husband and I plan on having a good time. Good Luck, deb — NASA Lewis Research Center             (216) 433-6775 Cleveland, Ohio  44135 "If you think you can, you can.  If you think you can’t, you’re right!"

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > We are having a problem deciding if children should be invited to our wedding. > It will be an evening ceremony and reception, and we just aren’t sure if > little ones would be able to handle the long night without getting cranky. > Also, we don’t want hyper kids running around like banshees.  My little > sister and brother (7 and 4 years old) will be in the wedding.  We also have > to invite some of my older cousins (10 years and up) because they are so > close (and well mannered).  Unfortunately, we have friends who have children > that are VERY young or VERY obnoxious.  How can we invite some children and > not others?  Should there be an age cutoff?  Should we explain by saying > that the ones who are invited are family?  Even though I am having young > children in the wedding as flower girl/ring bearer, that doesn’t mean other > children of similar ages should be invited, does it?  I’ve given up on > pleasing everyone, but we don’t want to hurt feelings.  How have people > dealt with this? What do you say to annoyed parents?  Thanks everyone! >                                                            -Vicki and Michael

Hi Vicki! We had an "adults only" reception, and only hit one glitch, which was quickly and easily resolved.  Look at it this way–when you invite a couple you’re friendly with to a dinner party, do they expect to bring the kiddies?  No, probably not.  They’re looking forward to a quiet evening with other adults, so they get a babysitter.  If they can’t afford a babysitter, they don’t come.  I know I sound harsh, but it’s true.  Your night (and the night of your guests) will be more pleasant without the aforementioned hyper children.  What we did was address the invitation to just the parents Mr and Mrs Bob Jones and if they called to ask, we told them it was an adults only reception, and if they needed a babysitter we’d be happy to hook them up with other friends who were getting one.  No ifs ands or buts.  I had one friend who left her baby home with her husband (instead of getting a sitter) and bolted as soon as she choked down her dinner (they could afford a sitter, she was just paranoid about leaving her (by then 6-month old) baby with a stranger.  Yeah, I was bummed, but I’d have been MORE bummed if her baby started wailing in the middle of our ceremony!   I’ve seen people put "Adult Reception" on the invitation.  If you explain to your friends that you want a more subdued reception, and are therefore limiting attendance to children in the immediate family, they *should* understand.  As for me, having a sit-down-dinner, and trying to keep expenses down, the last thing I wanted to do was spend an extra $45 a head for our friend’s 3 and 5 year olds!

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – (stuff deleted) >You can’t please everyone so please yourself.  My husbands cousins are VERY >sensitive to the fact that their children were not invited and some of them >did not come.  At my brother-in-laws wedding (same family) not only did some >of the cousins not come but their parents didn’t either.  When my brother-in-lawtold them afterward that they were missed, they replied "Well thats what >happens when you don’t invite our grandchildren".  At $18 a plate I say too >bad.  I’ve been to weddings with these children and they are WILD and wasteful. >All in all, I was very happy with our reception and don’t regret not inviting >children.  It was 6 years ago and I have had no problems with any family memberson either side because they’re kids weren’t invited.   >And as for friends children, I wouldn’t even consider them. >What I don’t understand, now that I have two little children myself, is why >would you want to bring your children with you to an evening reception?  You >can’t enjoy the wedding as well and you probably have to leave early to get >the kids to bed.

We are *definitely* inviting all of the children in our families, as well as those of our friends.  Many of our family and friends will be traveling hundreds or thousands of miles to be with us, and we would never make their attendance prohibitive by demanding that they leave their children behind. More importantly to us however, we both believe that a wedding is not supposed to be "perfect", it is supposed to be real.  To me that means that it is more important to have the people you love with all of their flaws present and participating, than it is for everything to be exactly the way it appears in your fantasies.  It means that just because your best friend weighs 200 pounds doesn’t mean she won’t look beautiful, and  certainly doesn’t mean you replace her with someone who looks better.  It means that you invite your gay cousin and his transvestite lover and are glad to see them even if they do shock your husband’s parents, and it means that you invite all of the people who matter to you and the people who matter to them, and if your neice cries during the ceremony or some little kid  goes sliding across the dance floor, you ignore it, or hug the baby or slide across that floor right along with the little kid, because even on your wedding day you can remember how much fun that was. –Sharon Astyk  

Response:

>You can’t please everyone so please yourself.  

HEAR HEAR!! >What I don’t understand, now that I have two little children >myself, is why would you want to bring your children with you >to an evening reception?  You can’t enjoy the wedding as well >and you probably have to leave early to get the kids to bed.

Well, we invited children (in our case we thought it was best – YMMV) we have one friend that has to bring her baby or not come.  He’s rather attached to the feed wagon :} (GRIN)

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